Bounty Hunter Diaries
by Gemini1
Summary: [AU] Hilde's a novice bounty hunter getting advice from Duo, avoiding Wufei, scared of Heero and worried about making Quatre cry. Umm, it's funny, I swear! [09.06.05: Edited with more on the way!]
1. Desparation is a stinky perfume

I woke up this morning to the loud beeping sound of a large truck backing up. I would have gone back to sleep except that the next sounds were of a car being loaded onto a flatbed truck. My car payments were three months overdue. I hopped out of bed and ran to my bedroom window, yanking viciously at my curtains. Sure enough, my dark blue sports car was being loaded onto a truck by Jack Hallet. I went to high school with Jack, he even dated one of my cousins for a while. He looked up and saw me flattened against my window and waved.  
  
"Hey, mornin' Hilde. It's nothin' personal, you know?" He yelled over the sound of the motor.  
  
I nodded and rested my forehead against the cool glass, fighting the urge to cry.  
  
"Say hello to your cousin Sally for me!" He yelled before he secured my former car and hopped into his own.  
  
I waved at him bleakly and continued to stare at my empty parking space long after he had left. What a shitty way to start my morning.  
  
My name is Hilde Schbeiker. I'm 24 years old, and up until four months ago, my life was just peachy. See, I used to work as a middle management drone. Yeah, spare me all the drivel about selling my soul to a corporation. I did a little work, I got paid and I was happy. Then my company suddenly announced that it was totally bankrupt and everyone was laid off. Five thousand people suddenly flooding the job market has made pickings slim, which is why, after four months, I'm still unemployed. I'd rather die than move back in with my parents, so, I've been living off my credit cards, selling clothes and furniture and generally feeling pretty low. Now my car's gone, my rent's due, the credit card companies are calling, or at least they would be if my phone hadn't been disconnected. I'm starting to feel a little desperate. And desperation is a stinky perfume.  
  
My mother must be psychic. Maybe it's that mother-daughter bond she's always harping about. She saw it on a talk show and now she claims that she knows when I'm in trouble. Once, she even claimed that she had felt me having a nightmare. I hadn't had one, and she was mad at me for weeks after that. But anyway, back to her psychic-meddling abilities.  
  
I was sitting on my bed, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and feeling like I had finally hit rock bottom, when a key rattled in my locked front door and my mother burst in.  
  
"Hilde?" She spied me in the bedroom and came to the doorway, looking stern. "I was at the beauty parlor getting my roots touched up when Serena Hallet came in. She has this dreadful looking hair cut.never put short hair and bangs on a fat woman. Anyway, she sat next to me and while Tony was doing her hair she mentioned that Jack had told her that he had repossessed your car this morning. Is it true?" She crossed her arms and looked at me with the same expression she had used when I was a kid and had been caught doing something bad, which was often.  
  
I sighed. "Yes, he did. I couldn't make the car payments." I said in a slightly sullen tone. My mother always managed to make me feel like I was ten again. Not a pleasant feeling, believe me.  
  
She threw her hands up in the air. "Honestly! Your father and I spent good money to send you to a decent college so you could make a living for yourself. What are you doing with your degree? Using it to patch holes in your ceiling? You are qualified for any number of jobs. You could get one if you didn't spend all your time moping around, feeling sorry for yourself."  
  
I pouted. See what I mean about her making me feel like a kid? "It's not easy." I said, tartly. "Everyone else got laid off at the same time I did and all the good jobs are taken."  
  
"I wouldn't be so picky, if I were you, young lady. I see that your television is missing. You're running out of things to sell."  
  
She leveled me with another stern gaze before dropping down on the bed next to me. "I think I might have gotten you a job." She said, her expression turning from stern to smug. Mom to the rescue. Sort of..  
  
I turned to her, wide eyed. "What?"  
  
"Well, after Serena told me that, I went to go see your cousin Sally. She's married to that little Chinese guy, you know, the one with the shifty eyes?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Well, he's a bail bondsman and he's currently looking for someone to do filing and other office stuff like that for him. I asked your cousin to put in a good word for you."  
  
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Filing was definitely a step down from what I'd been doing, but at this point, I'd do just about anything to pay the rent. I was a little nervous about Sally's husband, though. He was an unpleasant little guy with shifty eyes, slicked back black hair and an imperious attitude. Once, I'd asked my cousin why she had married him and her rather clinical and detailed response made me blush clear down to my toes, and believe me, I don't blush easily. To this day, I can't look the man in the eye.  
  
"What's his name again?" I asked, throwing pride to the wind. Hell, pride didn't pay the bills.  
  
"Wufei Chang, remember? You met him at your cousin's wedding."  
  
I nodded. I had spent the three minutes of our awkward conversation staring squarely at his crotch, thanks to my cousin Sally and her rather extensive and colorful vocabulary.  
  
"Now that we've got that cleared up, why don't you put on something nice and I'll take you down there?" She suggested in a tone that was the furthest thing from suggestive.  
  
I raised my eyebrow at her. "What did you do?" I asked suspiciously.  
  
She gave me an innocent smile. "Not much, except get you an interview in about forty-five minutes."  
  
Ack. "Ack! Mother! I'm not prepared for an interview!" I wailed, jumping to my feet and running for my closet where I knew I still had at least one suit left.  
  
My mother clucked and nagged at me while I dressed and did my hair. Her long missives on why I wore too much make-up were nearly enough to send me screaming down the hall, except that I had no car and twenty minutes to get to a job interview.  
  
  
  
Say what you will about my mother (and I have), she's a demon on wheels. She got me to Wufei's office with time to spare. The normally fifteen minute drive had only taken about eight minutes. I think I've got a few new gray hairs.  
  
Wufei's Bail Bonds was in a slightly seedy neighborhood about two blocks down from the courthouse and jail. It was located in an office complex of sorts that also housed two lawyers and a Mexican restaurant. I suspected that the building had once been white, but it was now a dingy gray. A neon sign in Wufei's window advertised his business and assured us he was open. I stared at the building and felt a sudden urge to cry. How the hell had I ended up here? Oh yeah, corporate corruption had sent my company into the ground.  
  
"It's not much, but it's a beginning." Mom whispered as she pushed me through the door. "I'll be waiting in the car."  
  
A bell tinkled as I walked in and I was immediately in the sights of a heavy set middle aged woman wearing too much makeup and not enough clothes sitting behind a battered desk.  
  
"Can I help you?" She asked in a low voice as she absently patted her bright red hair.  
  
"I'm Mr. Chang's wife's cousin, Hilde Schbeiker. I have an interview with him." I said, still slightly shell-shocked.  
  
She raised a painted-on eyebrow. "Really? He didn't mention it to me." She said, glancing down at a desk calendar.  
  
I fought the urge to run out of the building. "Well, I think it's a pretty recent development."  
  
"Hmmm." She said. She pressed a button on the phone and an irritable voice that I instantly recognized came on.  
  
"What?" The voice said.  
  
"Someone claiming to be Sally's cousin is here to see you." She said. My grip on my purse became white knuckled.  
  
Wufei let out a stream of expletives. "Crap. I forgot. Send her in, Dannie."  
  
The woman known as Dannie gave me another glance and waved me in the direction of his office. I nodded my thanks and walked to the door, pushing it open with some reluctance.  
  
Wufei was as small and irritable as I remembered, and I still couldn't look him in the eye. I concentrated on his nose, instead. Better than his crotch. Then again, he was sitting down.  
  
"Sally said that your mom said that you needed a job." He said. No small talk, straight to the point.  
  
I nodded. "I have a lot of experience in offices. I can file, type, use computers." He cut me off.  
  
"Frankly, toots, as long as you can recite the alphabet in the correct order, you can do this job. It's yours. Sally would kill me if I sent you home jobless."  
  
I didn't like being called toots, but he was hiring me so I magnanimously forgave him.  
  
His speakerphone buzzed. "What?" He said.  
  
Dannie's voice came over the intercom. "Jules Teegarden was just sent to the hospital with a bullet wound." She announced.  
  
In what was beginning to become a theme, Wufei let loose with a large number of curse words, some of them new to me. When he was through, he questioned his secretary. "Did it happen on the job?"  
  
Dannie sounded slightly amused. "Nope. His wife caught him in bed with her sister."  
  
Wufei rolled his eyes. "Stupid man. Do we have anyone else who can take his FTA?"  
  
"I called Maxwell, but he said $2,000.00 was chump change. Everyone else is busy."  
  
"That asshole. Dannie, you've got to find someone. If this guy isn't picked up by the end of the week, then I forfeit his entire bond. I'll be out $20,000.00"  
  
I perked up at the mention of $2,000.00.  
  
"What are you talking about?" I asked my cousin-in-law.  
  
He glanced at me. "Teegarden was a bounty hunter for me. He picked up people who miss their court dates . If I bail them out and they run, then I don't get my money back. Teegarden found them and delivered them to the cops."  
  
"And what was this about $2,000.00?" I asked.  
  
Wufei raised an eyebrow. "It's the finder's fee for that particular guy."  
  
With $2,000.00 I could pay my rent, my electricity and get my phone turned back on. Hell, I could even buy food.  
  
Wufei was looking at me strangely. "I don't like that look on your face." He said, sourly.  
  
I snapped out of my daydream and glared at him. "What? You don't think I could be a bounty hunter?"  
  
Wufei snorted. "You? A woman? Please. Go and file. Stay in the office where you belong."  
  
That raised my hackles. "I could do it." I said angrily. "I could haul this guy in. Besides, I need the money now. I don't have time to wait for a paycheck."  
  
Wufei rolled his eyes. "Don't be stupid, woman. You're weak. You probably can't even shoot a gun."  
  
"Weak? Weak?" I stood up. "I'm hardly weak. And I can shoot a gun. Give me the job, Wufei."  
  
"Or what?" He said dangerously, standing up behind his desk and leaning forward on it.  
  
I hesitated. "Or I'll tell Sally about Dorothy."  
  
That got his attention. "Where did you.?" He broke off and glared at me.  
  
"I hear things." I said.  
  
"This is blackmail." He said.  
  
I shrugged. "Give me the job, Wufei. I can do it. I'll bring this guy in and get you back your money. And if I don't.well, you'd be out $20,000.00 anyway because you can't find anyone else."  
  
He sat back down and considered it. "Fine." He said shortly. "You won't bring him in anyway, and at least this'll keep you and Sally out of my hair." He pushed the intercom button. "Dannie? Hilde here is going after Marquez. Give her the file." Dannie's snort of laughter didn't improve my mood. 


	2. Heero Yuy makes babies cry

Dannie was still laughing when I left Wufei's office a few minutes later. Her large body jiggled in time with her laughter as she pawed through a stack of files on her desk. I suppressed the urge to reach across the space between us and smack her. So what if I was only 5'2 and weighed 110 lbs. dripping wet?  
  
So what if I was about as threatening as a toy poodle? I needed the $2,000.00 and I needed it last week. She finally located the file and flipped it open.  
  
"Jesus Marquez, age 32. Brown eyes, black hair, 158 lbs. 5'7. He was arrested a couple of months ago in possession of several illegal firearms. He had a court date yesterday and he didn't show." She closed the file and looked over the rims of her glasses at me. "Were you serious about being able to do this?" She asked, assuming a matronly tone which clashed horribly with her outfit.  
  
I nodded emphatically. She looked decidedly skeptical.  
  
"Do you really know how to use a gun? Do you even own one?"  
  
I hesitated and she threw her hands up in the air. "And with no training except as a secretary, no weapons and no attitude, you want to go out and apprehend a man wanted for possession of illegal firearms?"  
  
I hung my head. "I really need the money." I whispered.  
  
She sighed and began flipping through a rolodex . When she reached whoever she was looking for, she picked up the phone and dialed. I heard a man's voice answer a few rings later. Dannie got the most frightening smirk on her face.  
  
"Hello, Mr. Maxwell." She paused as he replied. "Don't worry, I'm not calling about that." She rubbed her hands together like a child considering a tray full of goodies. "How would you like an opportunity to piss off Wufei and make a little extra money?" The man's response seemed positive because she laughed delightedly. "Oh, it's a goodie. I want you to train someone. Wufei's wife's cousin came in as a file clerk, but her strained finances made her decide to become a fugitive apprehension agent." There was a pause and then another response. I hate only being able to hear one side of a conversation. "If she finds this guy, Wufei will be beyond pissed." She giggled. I idly wondered what Wufei had done to warrant such maliciousness from his own employee. And then I remembered who I was talking about. . I turned my attention back to Dannie, who was wrapping up the conversation. "Thanks a bunch, Mr. Maxwell, this should make things around her positively amusing."  
  
She hung up the phone and turned her laser vision back onto me. "If Wufei wasn't such a piss ant, I wouldn't delight in torturing him so much." She said with a large smile. "Duo Maxwell, our bad ass bounty hunter has agreed to take you under his wing. He said he'd meet you at R&C's café in half an hour."  
  
I thanked her profusely. "Incidentally, where is R&C's?" I asked as soon as I was done kissing her feet in gratitude.  
  
"Down the street, two blocks. It's a nice little place, a cop hangout for the most part." She waved her bejeweled hand in the direction I should go and handed me Marquez's file with her other hand. "Now go." She said. I went.  
  
Mom was waiting for me in her car when I came out of Wufei's. I gestured for her to roll down her window.  
  
"Did it go okay? Are you starting now?" She asked, leaning across the passenger seat with a hopeful expression.  
  
I nodded. "I got a job." I couldn't bring myself to tell her exactly what kind, so I fibbed a little. "I start now. Could you pick me up at 5:00?"  
  
She nodded and beamed. "See? Everything will be fine now."  
  
I nodded and smiled, although I doubted she'd be so enthused if she knew what exactly I'd signed on for.  
  
I stood on the sidewalk and watched as she drove off and as soon as she was out of sight, I turned in the direction of the R&C Café and walked quickly towards it, the file still clutched in my hand.  
  
The R&C stood out in the slightly shabby neighborhood. It had colorful red and white striped awning, sparkling clean windows and a bright sign that announced to the world that the R&C served breakfast, lunch and dinner. Breakfast, incidentally, was served all day. I walked through the door and a brightly polished brass bell announced my arrival. A few cops in uniform were sitting at the counter drinking coffee and they glanced at me when I walked in. Sitting over by the window were two men I assumed to be plain clothes policemen, probably detectives. One had an open, friendly expression, platinum blonde hair and kind green eyes. The other looked as though he had swallowed something unpleasant. He had dark brown hair that flopped over his dark blue eyes. Ying and yang. The blonde smiled at me, the dark haired one didn't even acknowledge my existence, which, in case you were wondering, was just fine with me.  
  
A small, neatly lettered sign urged me to wait to be seated, so I did. A few moments after my arrival, a perky blonde girl wearing a frilly white apron walked quickly towards me. "Hello." She said with a smile. "Welcome to the R&C café. Smoking or non?" She picked up a menu and waited for my answer.  
  
"Non, and some one will be joining me." I said with an answering smile. "His name is Duo Maxwell and.."  
  
Her smile faltered slightly and she gave me a once over. "Duo Maxwell, you say?" She said curiously., interrupting me.  
  
At the mention of his name, the conversations stopped and heads swiveled in my direction to give me another glance.  
  
At the table by the window, the two detectives were trying not to appear to be eavesdropping, but they were.  
  
I nodded. "Do you know him?"  
  
She grinned. "He's somewhat of a legend around her, Miss.?"  
  
"Just call me Hilde." I said.  
  
She extended her hand and gave mine a good pumping. "Relena. Relena Darlian, co-owner of the R&C." She said.  
  
"I guess you're R, then." I replied.  
  
She nodded. "Catherine's the C. She's in the kitchen." She grasped my elbow. "I'll take you to Duo's regular seat." She said, guiding me away from all the cheerful looking, empty booths. Duo's regular seat was in the back, tucked into a corner. I felt slightly uncomfortable, as though I were about to conduct some illegal transaction. . Relena handed me a menu and took my drink order.  
  
  
  
I was sipping on my coke and perusing the menu when the café, which had once again been filled with the quiet buzz of many different conversations, suddenly went silent. The bell over the door tinkled and I heard Relena greet someone. I really wanted to turn around and look, but I was trying to play it cool, so I continued to sip on my coke and read the menu as though it were a Pulitzer Prize winning novel.  
  
I heard the sound of footsteps approaching and involuntarily tensed. For some reason, I was terribly nervous.  
  
"Relena, babe, bring me a big ass cup of coffee, will you? I had a late night." A deep and satisfyingly masculine voice asked as someone slipped into the booth across from me.  
  
I looked up at him and suddenly wished I had something to mop up the drool with. Duo Maxwell was gorgeous. He had long chestnut brown hair that hung in a braid down his back and violet eyes that seemed to be laughing. Full, extremely kiss-able lips were twisted into a smirk. I ignored that and noted that he definitely was in top condition. He shrugged out a black leather jacket , tossed it negligently across the seat next to him and rested his elbows on the table as a prop for his chin. He was wearing a black v-neck sweater that stretched across a broad, well-defined chest and black jeans. I couldn't see his butt, but I bet it was just as yummy as the rest of him. He cocked an eyebrow and smiled quizzically at me. Dear god, his smile made my knees weak and I wasn't even standing up.  
  
He waved a hand in front of my face and I blinked. I could feel all the blood rush to my face.  
  
"S..sorry. I guess I was expecting you to look.different." I said lamely and suddenly wanted to sink into the floor.  
  
He grinned. "Ditto. I wasn't expecting a pixie."  
  
Pixie? "Pixie?" I gave him an evil look.  
  
He laughed. "Well, this has started off well." Relena brought his coffee and whipped out a notepad.  
  
"The usual, Duo?" She asked.  
  
"You got it, babe." Duo said and took a swig of coffee.  
  
She turned her attention to me. Suddenly, I was feeling very tiny and underfed, like some sort of waif. I'll show him pixie. "I'll have the Lumberjack's breakfast special." I said.  
  
Relena blinked but wrote it down and Duo laughed again. The Lumberjack's breakfast special consisted of three scrambled eggs, a stack of pancakes, toast, three strips of bacon, three sausage links and a coronary.  
  
When Relena left, Duo plunked his coffee mug down and eyed me critically. "Let's get down to business. First off, what's your name?"  
  
I was slightly surprised, but then I remembered that Dannie had neglected to mention it. "Hilde Schbeiker." I replied.  
  
He leaned back and stretched his arms over his head. I looked down at the table to keep from ogling his well defined chest. "Hilde, hmmm.short for.Hildegard." He said thoughtfully. "One of the Valkyries who brought dead warriors to Odin."  
  
It was my turn to raise an eyebrow. Good looking and smart? Hot damn.  
  
"Actually, I was named after the twelfth century German nun who was revered as a prophetess and was later sainted." I couldn't help it if I sounded slightly smug.  
  
"Oh, that Hildegard." He said with another one of his knee melting grins.  
  
If we didn't start talking shop soon, I was going to leap over the table and molest him. The scary thing was, that I didn't think he'd mind.  
  
"So, Dannie says you want to be a bounty hunter." He said, as though reading my mind.  
  
I nodded.  
  
He gave me a long, appraising look and laughed again. "Well, you're not physically threatening, but somehow, I think you're probably scary as hell when you're mad."  
  
I wasn't sure if that was a compliment or not, so I kept my mouth shut.  
  
He took that as a sign to continue. "What experience do you have? Can you shoot a gun?"  
  
I fiddled with my discarded straw wrapper. "I shot a gun.once."  
  
"Dear god." He said, looking at his coffee. "What the hell has Dannie sent me?"  
  
I straightened and gave him another evil look. "Listen, everyone has to start somewhere. I'm a quick study."  
  
Our conversation stilled as Relena approached with our food. She plunked down what looked like a bacon cheeseburger and fries in front of Duo. My meal was spread out across several plates. My eyes widened involuntarily and I wondered if my impulsive decision to show off had been somewhat stupid.  
  
Duo squeezed ketchup onto his plate and dragged a couple of fries through it. "Catherine makes the French fries from scratch." He said with a mouth full of potato. "They're the best in the city."  
  
I was only partially paying attention to him. Mostly, I was trying to figure out a way to save my dignity. I bit my lip and picked up my fork, stabbing at the heap of scrambled eggs.  
  
Twenty minutes later, I had eaten my fill and more and was wondering if I'd have to ask Duo to roll me out of the restaurant. I felt slightly nauseous.  
  
Duo was sipping his seemingly bottom-less mug of coffee and watching me with a small smirk. I wanted to die and preferably take him with me. Why the hell was he always smirking?  
  
I set my fork down with a sigh and was just about to say something rude to him when the two plainclothes detectives approached our table.  
  
The blonde greeted Duo in a friendly manner, as though they were old friends. The dark haired one still looked as though he'd been force-fed rotten brussel sprouts. He grunted out a greeting.  
  
The braided bounty hunter, however, did not seem as friendly towards them. He nodded at the cop and his partner.  
  
"Heero, Quatre." He said by way of a greeting.  
  
"Your lunch date caused quite a stir when she announced she was meeting you." The blonde, Quatre, noted with a smile.  
  
Duo glanced over at me, that damned smirk returning.  
  
"She's not exactly a date, Quatre." He said.  
  
The dark haired one, Heero, raised an eyebrow.  
  
Duo seemed to understand his unvoiced question. "She's a relative of Wufei Chang's and I've been asked to train her in the field of fugitive apprehension." He said grandly.  
  
Both Quatre and Heero stared at me, identical expressions of surprise on their faces. I frowned and sat up straighter.  
  
"I know, I know. I look like a pixie." I said, irritably.  
  
Quatre snorted and I thought I saw a ghost of a smile on Heero's lips.  
  
"You're related to Wufei Chang?" Quatre asked, after he had gotten a hold of himself.  
  
"Not blood related. He married my cousin." I said.  
  
"You're Sally's cousin, then." Heero remarked.  
  
I nodded. "You know Sally?"  
  
Across from me, Duo laughed. "Babe, everybody knows Sally."  
  
I frowned.  
  
Quatre cleared his throat. "Anyway, this isn't just a social call, Duo. We wanted to know how you're coming with the Khushrenada case."  
  
Duo shrugged. "It's going." He said.  
  
Heero frowned. "Why do I feel you're holding something back, Maxwell?" He asked in an irritated voice.  
  
"Probably because I am." Duo replied. "Listen, don't get your panties in a twist, Yuy. I'll bring him in and then you can do your thing."  
  
Heero's expression soured even more, if that was possible, and even Quatre looked a little miffed. They nodded stiffly and left.  
  
"What an asshole." Duo muttered.  
  
"Heero?" I asked quizzically.  
  
He nodded. "Quatre's all right, maybe a little too happy, but Heero.god, he makes flowers wilt and babies cry."  
  
I smiled.  
  
Relena skittered over with our bill and eyed the remnants of my meal. "You certainly made a sizeable dent in that." She said with a tiny smile. She cleared away our dishes and went back into the kitchen, where I could hear someone singing a popular tune off-key.  
  
"Well, you ready?" Duo asked, grabbing the bill and shrugging on his jacket.  
  
I gave him a blank look. "For what?"  
  
He grinned at me and I felt my heart flutter. Damn.  
  
"Shopping, babe. We're gonna do a little shopping." 


	3. Quatre Winner is a devious little man

Duo dropped me off in front of Wufei's office with bags full of stuff at 4:30. He tooted his horn and drove off into the sunset at the reigns of his shiny black SUV. I looked down at the bags that huddled around my feet and wished they were full of shoes or even food. Instead, they bulged with weapons of mass destruction. Okay, maybe that was a bit much, but still, a stun gun in my hands had the potential for disaster.   
  
I sighed and heaved the bags up and trudged into the office. Dannie was sitting at her desk, reading a trashy magazine and eating a bag of Doritos. She glanced up at me and raised an eyebrow. "Went shopping, hmm?" She asked, licking the cheese powder off her fingers.   
  
I nodded.   
  
"What did you get? Let me see!" She said, suddenly looking like a child on Christmas morning.   
  
I hefted the bags onto her desk and began pulling things out. A stun gun, pepper spray, handcuffs, a black mesh belt to hook the aforementioned items on, a shoulder holster, a black Kevlar bullet-proof vest, a black windbreaker that said BOND ENFORCEMENT AGENT in large yellow letters on the back and a black baseball cap.   
  
"Where's the gun?" Dannie asked me eagerly.   
  
"There's a waiting period." I said, hiding my relief. I hate guns and the thought that I now owned one gave me the creeps.   
  
Dannie sighed. "Stupid colony laws." She said mournfully.   
  
I grunted noncommittally and looked around for a box. "Do you have a file box or something I can put these in?" I asked, gesturing to the pile of bounty hunter paraphernalia. "I don't think my mom needs to know what I signed on for yet."   
  
Dannie nodded and bustled into the back, emerging a few minutes later with a large cardboard box marked "FILES FOR STORAGE". "Here." She said, plunking the empty box down in front of me.   
  
I thanked her and began piling the stuff in.   
  
"Incidentally, how did you pay for all of this?" Dannie asked curiously. "I hope Duo didn't do you any favors. He has a bad reputation when it comes to collecting his debts from the ladies."   
  
My face tinted pink. "Actually, I paid for these with my emergency credit card." I said.   
  
Dannie sighed again. "Too bad. I heard…"   
  
Luckily, my mom saved me from any lascivious tales of Duo Maxwell. She came breezing in exactly at 5:00.   
  
I picked up the box and looked up to meet my mom's quizzical stare.   
  
"I'm taking some work home." I said, hoping she couldn't see through my lie.   
  
She smiled. "You always were such a go-getter."   
  
This coming from a woman who had called me lazy several hours earlier.   
  
  
She dropped me off in front of my apartment building and promised to lend me my uncle's old car in the morning. It was a wreck from god-knows when, its original color had long ago given way to rust and it had mismatched doors and whitewall tires. It was the colony's ugliest car and it was all I had.   
  
I trudged up to my apartment with my box and let myself in. I put my burden on the kitchen table and went to go take a long, hot shower. This day had been terrible. Yes, I had gotten myself a job, but it was as a bounty hunter, which I knew nothing about. Yeah, Duo Maxwell was hot, but he was also dangerous and far too fond of weaponry for my taste. Yeah, I got a car, but it was the Wreck. I felt sorry for myself all through my shower and while I was putting on my pjs, which consisted of a pair of cotton pink-plaid pants that were so big that I had to roll up the waist and an old white Oxford cloth button-down shirt that I had stolen from a college boyfriend. I rolled up the sleeves and went to the kitchen to search for comfort food.   
  
I found a half-eaten carton of Rocky Road ice cream in the freezer and I was just scraping the bottom when there was a knock on my door. Who the hell would be bothering me now?   
  
I opened the door as far as the security chain would allow and blinked in surprise when I saw who was standing at my door. Heero Yuy and Quatre Winner. The two plainclothes detectives from the R&C Café.   
  
"Umm…hello?" I said stupidly.   
  
Quatre smiled at me and produced his badge. "We're here on official business Miss Schbeiker."   
  
I did a quick mental catalogue of all my crimes and couldn't think of one serious enough to warrant a visit by two detectives.   
  
Quatre noticed my confused look and gave me a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, you're not in trouble."   
  
His partner stood beside him and said nothing. I was tempted to reach out and test for a pulse.   
  
"Okay, hold on a sec." I said, closing the door and unhooking the chain.   
  
I stood aside to let them in. "Can I get you something? I have water and…water." I said.   
  
"No, thanks. We're on duty." Quatre said with a little laugh. Duo was right. He was too happy. Meanwhile, his flower-wilting, baby scaring partner was unabashedly looking around my apartment. I frowned at him.   
  
"Nice painting." He said, pointing to one of my walls. It was a print of the four seasons by Mucha that I had picked up somewhere.   
  
I nodded and crossed my arms, assuming the classic "Well?" posture.   
  
"Well?"   
  
Heero turned his attention back from my walls to me. His gaze was piercing and made me fidget. "How well do you know Duo Maxwell?" He asked.   
  
So that's what this was about. I shrugged. "I just met him today. He's training me, but I don't have any illusions about why. He's just doing it to piss off Wufei."   
  
I heard Quatre giggle and I thought even Heero cracked a tiny smile.   
  
"Did he mention anything about a case involving someone named Trieze Khushrenada?" Heero asked.   
  
"Only when you two came up to us at lunch." I replied, wondering just what exactly was going on.   
  
The two men exchanged glances and I waited for them to say something.   
  
Finally, Heero reached into his pocket and produced a card. "If he mentions anything, give us a call."   
  
I looked at the card, but didn't take it. "Not to be rude, but why should I?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.   
  
Heero frowned and Quatre intervened. "This is a very important case, Miss Schbeiker. The police have been looking for Khushrenada for months and we need to find him before he gets killed. He jumped bail, so Duo's looking for him as well, and, although we'd rather not admit it, he's got better connections than we do. We were hoping Duo would help us out, but we don't think he will. Perhaps you could help us." He said in a wheedling tone. His large blue eyes were pleading and he looked like he might cry if I refused. I looked at him and back to Heero. Hmm. Heero Yuy may look scary, but it looked like Quatre was the more dangerous partner. I reached out and took the proffered card.   
  
"I'm not guaranteeing anything." I said. "But I'll think about it."   
  
"Thank you, Miss Schbeiker." Quatre said with another one of his super happy smiles.   
  
I nodded.   
  
After they left, I tacked Heero's card up on my bulletin board and considered it. I was pretty sure that I had no intention of ratting out Duo, but Quatre's plea had been rather effective. How could I say no to him? He might cry and that would make me feel bad. I could just see those big eyes of his filling with tears and his lower lip trembling. His partner would give me an accusing look and ask "How could you?" as he comforted Quatre.  
  
I blinked. Gods, I was an idiot. I shook my head and busied myself with household things. There is something rather therapuetic about scrubbing grease off an oven door.   
  
I was admiring my shiny oven door when there was a knock at my door. I threw my dirty sponge into the sink and approached the door warily, praying that it wasn't Grumpy and his partner Happy again. I looked through the peephole and sucked in a breath. It was Duo Maxwell and he was looking right sexy as usual. I glanced at myself in the mirror that hung in my little entry way. My hair stuck out at all angles and I was covered with sweat and grease. Shit.   
  
"Hey, Hilde, I've got a lead on your guy." Duo said through the door.   
  
"Um...hold on...I'll be right with you." I said lamely.   
  
"Are you naked?" Duo sounded faintly hopeful.   
  
"Get your mind out of the gutter, creep." I said.   
  
He chuckled. "Well hurry up and get dressed and don't forget to grab your gear. Marquez's sister just had a baby and if I'm right he'll be with his family right now."  
  
I let him cool his heels in the hallway while I ran back into my room to pull on a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. I went into my bathroom to check myself out and groaned at the sight of my hair. It was sticking up in places where it shouldn't thanks to my aggressive oven-cleaning, which had drenched me in sweat. I wet my brush and ran it through my hair, flattening the whole mess. It would work for now. My next stop was my big box o'weaponry. I pulled the black baseball cap on over my hair and sighed in relief. Next, I put on the utility belt, feeling not a little like Batman. My pepper spray and stun gun went into their proper places and, after a little digging, I found the handcuffs and clipped them into place. I grabbed the windbreaker and ran to my door, throwing it open and nearly running into Duo.   
  
He grinned at me and I idly wondered if Marquez would wait while I dragged Duo inside and had my way with him. I shook my head to clear the thought and turned to lock the door. "All right. Let's go." I was a bounty hunter on a mission. 


	4. Duo Maxwell is a manwhore

Four hours later, I was still on a mission, although my current one involved finding a bathroom and not Marquez. Duo and I were sitting in his big black SUV and staring at the front door of a smallish clapboard house in one of the less desirable neighborhoods in the colony. The door opened and closed unceasingly as what seemed like hundreds of people came to welcome Marquez's nephew into the world. But, as far as we could see, there was no Marquez. I squirmed in my seat and Duo threw me an amused glance.   
  
"You should have gone before we left." He admonished, sounding eerily like my mother.   
  
I frowned at him. "I didn't have to go then." I replied. Great, now I sounded like I was ten. Stupid Maxwell.   
  
He shrugged and reached into one of the plastic bags that littered his floor, remnants of convenience store junk food that he had purchased for the stake-out, and pulled out an empty Pringles can. "Wanna pee into this?"   
  
I glared at him. "I'm not a guy, moron. I don't have anything to aim with."   
  
That seemed to amuse him even more. "You could like, you know…squat." He said, trying to keep a straight face.   
  
"I am not going to squat on a Pringles can in the middle of a well populated neighborhood." I said flatly.   
  
He started laughing then, his strong shoulders shaking as he doubled up.   
  
"Jerk." I muttered, which only seemed to make him laugh harder.   
  
Things might have deteriorated into open violence if a small green sports car hadn't pulled up to the curb in front of the house. The car matched the description of the one Marquez was supposed to own. Duo immediately stopped laughing and stared intently at the car, all business.   
  
A man got out, a man with brown eyes and black hair. He seemed to weigh around 158 lbs., was around 5'7 and in his early thirties. Jesus Marquez. Duo glanced at me. "Looks like your man." He said, all traces of humor gone from his voice. I nodded, suddenly nauseous.   
  
He cocked an eyebrow. "You look like you just got a hold of a bad burrito." He said.   
  
I let out a shaky breath. "I've never done this before." My voice was a tad on the defensive side.   
  
His expression softened. "Everything's always hard the first time." He said. And for a moment, he was kind and very appealing. Then that damn lascivious smile came back. "Well…not everything." He said with a twinkle in his eye.   
  
I rolled my eyes. "All right, let's go." My nervousness was suddenly replaced by irritation.   
  
Duo put a hand on my arm. "Let him see his nephew. We'll have less crap to deal with if he's not with his family."   
  
I nodded.   
  
Jesus Marquez visited with his family for an hour. As soon as he came out onto the porch, Duo stopped teasing me and issued a few last minute instructions. "Remember to keep one hand on your taser so you can pull it out fast if you need to. Be firm but polite and don't give him the opportunity to run. If he tries anything, hit him with the taser. Don't hesitate to use it."   
  
My mouth went dry and the queasy feeling came back. What the hell had I gotten into?   
  
Marquez was descending the porch steps and heading towards his car.   
  
"Now." Duo said, opening up his door. I followed him and we approached Marquez with matching grim expressions.   
  
"Jesus Marquez?" I asked, one hand on my taser. I knew it was him, but Duo said we should always check. The man stopped and did not answer. I took that as a yes. "Mr. Marquez, you missed your court date. We're representatives of Chang's Bail Bonds and…" He never gave me a chance to finish. He turned and ran, heading towards a nearby alley.   
  
Next to me, Duo cursed and we both took off running. I don't know if you've ever had the occasion to run wearing a bulletproof vest, but those damn things are heavy!   
  
I was huffing as we closed the distance between us and I barely noticed the shouts coming from the house. Duo cursed again, this time louder. I turned and saw several people coming after us. Marquez's family was rushing to his aid.   
  
"Keep chasing him. I'll deal with the family." Duo said and turned towards them.   
  
A stitch formed in my side, but I kept running, the thought of all the twinkies I had eaten in Duo's car giving me the motivation to continue. I could hear Marquez in front of me, wheezing. Obviously, he was in no better shape than I was. He finally tripped over a rock and went down. I came trotting up to him and stopped, pausing to take a few deep breaths before I addressed him.   
  
"Why did you run?" I asked, my words coming out in gasps. He didn't reply.   
  
I sighed. "Jesus Marquez, I have been authorized by Chang's Bail Bonds and the colony courts to bring you in." I reached behind me and unhooked my cuffs. "If you won't come peacefully, then I will have to cuff you and take you by force."   
  
I'm not exactly sure when he got his wind back, but quite suddenly, he was on his feet and aiming a punch at my midsection. There was no time to dodge it and I ended up taking it square in the gut. My vest absorbed a portion of the blow, but it still knocked the wind out of me and dropped me on my ass. Marquez cried out in pain and cradled his hand, obviously he had not expected me to be wearing a vest. He pulled back a foot to kick me and I used his momentary vulnerability to grab his leg and pull him down. He landed next to me with a thud. "Bitch." He wheezed.   
  
I would be lying if I didn't admit that that pissed me off.   
  
He tried to hit me again, but I blocked him, thanking the gods that I had taken those two self-defense classes in college. I twisted his arm and he yelped and tried to push me away. He finally succeeded and tried to get up, but I was having none of it. I pushed him over and landed on top of him, trying to get at least one wrist into the cuffs. The damn guy was as squirming worse than a weasel and we ended up rolling around on the ground, fighting for dominance.   
  
I finally won and Marquez was on his stomach, his arms pulled behind him as I cuffed him. I stood up and admired my handiwork, resisting the urge to dance with glee. I was a number one bounty hunter. I was invincible, I was…   
  
I probably would have continued to congratulate myself if not for the person who snuck up behind me and hit me on the back of the head.   
  
I woke up god knows when on my back, my head cushioned on something soft. I was still in the alley and my head felt like…well, like it had been split with a two-by-four, which was probably not to far from the truth. I raised a hand to my forehead and winced, quite suddenly, Duo swam into my field of vision.   
  
"Are you okay?" He asked, his face creased with concern.   
  
I tried to nod and then decided that answering might be easier. "I think…" I managed.   
Suddenly, everything came back to me. "Where's Marquez?" I asked.   
  
Duo waved his hand towards where Marquez lay, still trussed up like a turkey. In the shadows, I saw another figure lying prone. "Who's that?"   
  
"The guy who hit you, apparently, he's Marquez's cousin."   
  
Duo rested a hand on my forehead. "How's the head?" He asked gently.   
  
I tried to sit up and failed. Duo placed one strong hand in the small of my back and helped me sit up. Gingerly, I felt the back of my head for blood and all I found was a large lump. "There's no blood." I said with obvious relief. "Just a bump the size of a grapefruit."   
  
"Good." He said, mirroring my relief. He helped me stand and then retrieved something from the ground. I realized that I had been laying on his jacket.   
  
I wobbled a bit and he was immediately by my side, grasping my elbow to balance me.   
  
"You go get in the car." He said, pointing to his SUV, which was now parked at the mouth of  
the alley. "I'll drag Marquez's worthless butt into the back." I nodded and carefully made my  
way to the car.   
  
Duo wasn't the least but gentle with Marquez as he dragged the protesting man to the car. My   
bounty sported a bloody nose and a split lip, neither of which was my handiwork.   
  
"What about my cousin?" He whined as Duo shoved him into the back of the SUV.   
  
"He'll wake up in a few hours with one hell of a headache." Duo said. His expression was dark and   
angry as he glared at Marquez. The look silenced the man and Duo slammed the door. He came around  
to the driver's side door and slid in, glancing at me again. "Do you want to go to the hospital?"  
He asked, still looking concerned.   
  
I shook my head and instantly regretted it. I swear I saw stars.   
  
"Bullshit." Duo said firmly. "We'll take Marquez to the station and pick up your receipt and then  
I'm taking you to the hospital."  
  
"I'm fine, really." I protested.   
  
"No, you're not." He argued back. "I'm taking you to the hospital even if I have to taser you  
and drag you in."   
  
I pouted and he knew that he had won.   
  
Marquez said nothing as we drove to the police station. He sat in the back and stared out the   
window at the passing buildings. Duo was equally silent, but I kept catching him looking at me  
with some unreadable expression.   
  
When we finally arrived at the station, Duo drove around back to a loading area where several   
police officers loitered, smoking cigarettes. "Go and ring that bell over there." He said, pointing  
to a small button next to the large metal doors. "I'll get Marquez." I nodded and slipped out of the  
SUV. The policemen stared at me openly as I made my way to the door. I looked down at my clothes  
and realized that I was covered with dirt and god knows what else. My hat had been knocked off  
and was probably still laying in the alley, so my hair stuck up at all sorts of strange angles.   
I looked like hell. I could feel a blush begin to creep up my neck as I pushed the doorbell. No  
wonder Duo kept looking at me, I was a car wreck.   
  
The small intercom by the door crackled. "Yeah?" A disembodied voice said.  
  
"Umm...I've got a bail jumper." I said, hoping it was the right thing.   
  
"Okay." Mr. Intercom replied and the door buzzed open.   
  
Duo dragged Marquez inside and I followed, still mortified by my appearance. Duo came to a stop  
in front of a surly looking policeman who was sitting inside a wire cage near the door.   
He filled out a body receipt and motioned for two uniformed officers to take Marquez into   
custody. I accepted the receipt and turned to follow Duo out when who should appear but  
Quatre and Heero.   
  
"We heard you just brought in your first FTA." Quatre said with a warm smile. "Congratulations."  
  
"I had help." I said modestly, jerking a thumb in Duo's direction.   
  
Duo and Heero were glaring at each other, but Quatre seemed undisturbed. "How much was this  
bounty?" He asked, as though we were discussing the weather and not dangerous criminals.  
  
"I get $2,000.00." I said, glancing nervously at the silent pissing contest that was going on  
between Heero and Duo.   
  
"Very nice." Quatre said pleasantly. "Well, we've got to go, but it was nice seeing you."  
  
I blinked and nodded. Quatre sketched a wave at Duo who nodded and then steered the still  
pissed looking Heero towards the doors.   
  
"What was that all about?" I asked Duo, quite puzzled. He frowned.   
  
"It was a warning." He said. He shook his head and looked at me. "Never mind that. Let's get  
you to the hospital."  
  
My protests fell on deaf ears.   
  
St. Patrick's Hospital occupied an entire block. The ER was at the far end, lit up with bright  
lights and signs, like Las Vegas for the injured. Duo parked his car and helped me from my seat,  
lightly grasping my elbow as he steered me through the automatic doors and into the   
empty waiting room.  
  
The nurse at the admitting desk cheerfully ignored me as I signed in and continued to talk on  
the phone. I handed her the clipboard with my personal information on it and she slid it through  
a slot into another room.   
  
Duo guided me to a seat and I gave him a dark look. "I'm not infirm, you know." I said peevishly.  
"I was just hit on the head."   
  
He raised an eyebrow at me. "I guess you're tougher than you look." He said, giving me an  
appraising glance.   
  
I stuck my tongue out at him and turned my attention to a very old gossip magazine. He chuckled  
and seemed content to sit and do nothing, occasionally glancing at me when he thought I wasn't  
paying attention.   
  
I was flipping through the magazine and had just settled on an interesting article when a door  
banged open and a woman marched in.   
  
"I don't believe it!" She said angrily, pointing a finger of doom at me. "If your mother finds out..."  
It was my cousin, Sally Chang, nee Po.   
  
"I thought you worked in the maternity ward!" I exclaimed, feeling my face pale. Sally could blow  
everything for me. She could tell my mom.   
  
She shook her head. "Pregnant women are whiners." She said. "But don't change the subject. What  
the hell are you doing here with a concussion and Duo Maxwell?" Before I could answer, she  
threw up her hands. "I don't know which is worse! I'm going to kill Wufei the second I get home!"  
  
"I can explain..." I said nervously. Duo, meanwhile, was watching the entire episode with a look  
of extreme amusement on his face.   
  
"This is the last time I ask that little weasel to do me a favor! What would happen if you got  
killed? Your mother would kill me, or worse, mine would!" She continued to rant. She waxed   
eloquent on the many ways she was going to kill Wufei until she ran out of ideas, and then she  
focused back on me. "You got hit on the back of the head with a blunt object?" She asked, suddenly  
assuming her clinical nurse's attitude.   
  
I nodded. She didn't bother taking me to an examining room. Instead, she threw my chart on the  
chair next to me and immediately began feeling my head for bumps. When she found it, I let out  
a squeal of pain. She gave the lump an extra poke, just to be an asshole, I'm sure, and then  
took a small flashlight out of her smock pocket. She switched it on and pointed the light into my  
eyes, looking for god knows what.   
  
"How do you feel?" She asked.   
  
"I have a nasty headache." I replied.   
  
"Nausea?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Faintness? Drowsiness?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Was there blood?"  
  
"No."   
  
She pursed her lips together and stared at me for a moment. Finally, she sighed. "I think you  
have a mild concussion. You really shouldn't sleep for the next couple of hours, I guess you   
could stay here..."  
  
"No, that's okay..." I said, not wanting to be around in case she got her second wind.   
  
She looked ready to argue when Duo intervened. "I can take her home and keep an eye on her."  
He offered.   
  
Sally looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Like I'd trust you with my cousin." She said, irritably.   
  
Duo gave her a look of innocence. "I swear, I'll only make sure she stays awake." He said sincerely.  
  
Sally snorted. "I know how you'll keep her awake, you...you...manwhore!"  
  
Duo blinked. "That, Sally, is the pot calling the kettle black."   
  
Blood rushed to her face and she seemed taken aback. "So I was a bit wild as a teenager..." She   
muttered. Finally, she shook her head. "Fine. Take her home, but keep your hands off, Maxwell.  
She's too good for you."   
  
Sally gave me a look and then spun on her heel back towards the nurse's station. "Oh, and Hilde,  
as far as I'm concerned, you were never here." She said over her shoulder.   
  
Duo, despite Sally's warning, did not keep his hands off of me. He grasped my elbow and led me  
out of the waiting room. "So," he said in a tone that could only be described as sexy, "your  
place or mine?"  
  
I sighed. "Mine, I guess. I have a big ass bottle of Advil in the medicine chest."   
  
"Your place it is." He said as he helped me into the SUV. I would never admit this, but I couldn't  
help feeling a little, well...excited. I was beginning to wish that he would try and have his way  
with me. I wouldn't resist, too much, anyway. My conscious suddenly kicked in.  
  
Ack! Hilde, you slut! I yelled at myself. You've barely known this guy a day and   
already you're primed to jump his bones? Where are your morals? Where is your dignity?  
  
Duo slid into the driver's seat and smiled that oh so sexy smile at me. "Let's go, babe."  
  
Where are my birth control pills? When was the last time I shaved my legs? What...dammit! 


	5. Hilde Schbeiker is tempted

I am NOT going to let myself be seduced by Duo Maxwell. I am NOT going to let myself be seduced by Duo Maxwell. I am going to let myself be seduced by Duo Maxwell. "Damn!" I cursed aloud as my personal mantra betrayed me. Duo shot a look over at me and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Everything okay over there?" He asked, looking amused again.  
  
"Uh, fine." I replied, dork that I was. How could I explain to him my dilemma? Seduce me, seduce me not. He nodded and pointed to a medium sized brick building that was fast approaching. My apartment building.  
  
"Look, we're home." He said.  
  
My thoughts suddenly went in a completely different direction: suspicion. During our brief acquaintanceship, I had never mentioned my address. And yet, not only had he successfully driven me home, he had also shown up at my apartment earlier this afternoon with no directions from me. "Hey, wait a second!" I said fixing him with a glare. "How do you know where I live?"  
  
His smile got crafty. "I have my ways." He said, mysteriously.  
  
I chewed on that as he pulled into the smallish parking lot behind the building and nosed into a spot by the dumpster, all the good spaces having been taken. Before I could get out, he was there, opening my car door and lending me a hand. No one had ever done that for me before and I was a little surprised. I felt a little tingle of electricity as I took his hand. I looked up at him. Had he felt it, too? His face was pleasant, but masked. He opened the front door for me, too. More points in his favor. I think my resistance to him was now solely based on the fact that I had last shaved my legs about a month ago. I've been depressed, okay?  
  
We waited for the elevator in silence and I took the time to study him surreptitiously out of the corner of my eye. He was still decked out in all black. Black jeans, the sweater from earlier this afternoon had been replaced with a t-shirt that stretched quite nicely over his chest, black boots, black leather jacket. Good God, did he have any idea how mouth- wateringly sexy he was? I subtly checked my mouth for drool as we got onto the elevator and noticed him grinning at me. Crap! Why did I always manage to make a complete moron out of myself around him?  
  
I was stewing on this when we got to my apartment. I fished around in my pockets until I found my keys and then opened the door. I paused, thinking of all the junk lying around. Oh sure, my oven was clean, but the rest of my apartment.  
  
Duo was inside before I could warn him. He flicked on the lights and stood in the middle of the room, looking around. "So this is where it lives." He said, looking at me with a smile. I took off my jacket and threw it at him, he caught it deftly and draped it on the couch. He studied the framed prints on my wall before moving to my bookshelf. He ran his finger over the spines as he read the titles. I suddenly felt very exposed.  
  
"Do you um.want something to drink?" I asked, hoping to distract him. He pulled out a book and studied the cover.  
  
"After the Funeral." He said, reading the title and flipping through it. Of all the books.he chose that one. It was about what happened to the bodies of famous people after they died. It was quite cool, actually. But really now, I didn't need Duo Maxwell thinking I was a ghoul.  
  
"Drink?" I asked again, almost shrilly. He looked up at me and shook his head.  
  
"No thanks, babe." He said and turned his attention back to the book. "Cool." He muttered to himself. "I didn't know you could do that with a human head."  
  
I ignored him and went into my small kitchen to get myself a beer. It took me a few minutes to wrestle the twist cap off, and when I came back out, he was gone. There was a suspicious rectangle of light in the vicinity of my bedroom, though. My bedroom. I nearly shrieked. There was definitely underwear on the floor in there. I ran over there and resisted the urge to tackle him and drag him out of there. Then again.Duo Maxwell, in my bedroom.  
  
He was looking at framed photos I had on my dresser. "Is this your mom?" He asked, picking one up and looked closer at it.  
  
I scooted up behind him and looked. "Yeah." I replied. It was a photo of my parents from their thirtieth wedding anniversary party last year. My mom was laughing so hard, tears were in her eyes and my dad was hovering in the back, smirking. I had forgotten the exact punch line of the joke he had told, but it had almost given my mom a seizure.  
  
"You look just like her." He observed.  
  
"So I've been told." I said, kicking a pair of underwear under my bed while his attention was diverted.  
  
He put the picture back on the dresser, and turned to regard me curiously. "You're not what you seem to be, Hilde." He observed.  
  
I blinked. "Huh?" I asked, stupidly.  
  
He moved closer to me and I swear I could feel his body heat. Tiny little goose bumps broke out all over my arms.  
  
"You act one way, sort of silly and bubbly.but then, that's not really you." He had somehow backed me up against a wall. My knees were threatening to give out on me as he hovered over me. His eyes were dark purple, intense.  
  
"Wh.what do you mean?" I manage to ask.  
  
A card flashed into his right hand. I looked at it. Heero Yuy's card. Oh shit.  
  
The words came tumbling out of my mouth, fast and desperate sounding. "They came over today, before you got here. They wanted to know if you had told me anything about." I frowned, trying to remember the name. "It was a weird name.the same one they asked you about at lunch."  
  
"Khushrenada." He supplied.  
  
"Right. They wanted to know if you had told me anything. I said that we'd just met." I was practically babbling. I hadn't done anything wrong, but I still felt the need to explain myself. "The creepy cop, Heero, he asked me to call him if you told me anything. I asked him why and then Quatre told me that they were trying to catch this guy and that you probably knew more than they did." Duo's finger came to rest on my lips, effectively silencing me.  
  
"What I want to know is, if you said yes." He said, leaning close to me. His breath brushed against my cheek.  
  
I shook my head, talking was quite beyond me at the moment.  
  
He looked at me for quite a long while, still close enough to kiss me, if he felt like it. I had the unnerving thought that those intense purple eyes were looking right through me.  
  
Finally, he drew away. "I believe you. But next time, babe, if one of those guys tries to talk to you, tell me, okay?"  
  
I nodded, wondering why I was compelled to choose his side over theirs. Maybe it was because he was sexier, although Heero and Quatre were no slouches in the looks department. I blinked. God, I was shallow.  
  
Duo walked out of my bedroom and back to the living room. "Where's your TV?" he called, as though the last few minutes had never happened.  
  
I scurried into the living room. "I had to pay the rent." I said, hands on my hips, daring him to say something.  
  
He regarded me seriously for a moment and then shrugged. "Well, there are other things we can do to stay awake." He said, looking at me with a wicked little smile. Oh, I was going to collapse again.  
  
"Like what?" I finally managed.  
  
"Well." He stretched the word out, giving it all sorts of possibilities.  
  
I waited, barely able to breathe, a knot forming in my belly.  
  
"There's always cards. Do you know how to play Gin Rummy?"  
  
I very nearly fell over from shock. Gin rummy? I thought the man was going to jump my bones! I glared at him and he gave me a sunny, innocent look reminiscent of Quatre. "I'll go find my deck." I muttered. Jerk.  
  
A/N: There really is a book called 'After the Funeral'. I own it, it's a cool read, but I wouldn't recommend it to the squeamish. 


	6. Relena Darlian Clears A Few Things Up

Bounty Hunter Diaries

Chapter 6: Relena Darlian Clears A Few Things Up

Rated PG-13 for Pirate-like cursing.

Disclaimer: As much as I would love to be able to lay claim to Duo Maxwell (heh heh) I can't, because the only thing I currently own is my Kenshin plushie, and even he's licensed! Long story short, Gundam Wing in owned by other people. 

A/N: Thanks thanks for all the positive feedback I've gotten so far! You guys rock!

I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache. My alarm clock said 7 a.m. and I cursed, loudly. I am one of those unfortunate people who, once awakened, cannot go back to sleep no matter how tired I am. I rubbed my eyes and looked around the room owlishly. What had woken me up? The sound of the front door slamming. Duo had left. 

After three games of Gin Rummy, he had called Sally at the hospital and she had given me permission to go to bed, which was a relief, since I was practically asleep, anyway. I'm not sure of the exact nature of her conversation with Duo, but his face went through several interesting expressions before settling on amused. He hung up on her in mid-tirade and ordered me to sleep, which I was happily doing when the jerk slammed my door and woke me up. I'd only had four damn hours of sleep. 

As I lay in bed, all of the previous day's frustrations and irritations came back full force. I cursed again (I was beginning to sound like Wufei) and reluctantly dragged myself out of bed. When I was feeling this low, there was only one cure.

//////// 

"It's a little early for a hot fudge sundae, isn't it?" Relena, the R in the R & C café cocked an eyebrow and smiled at me.   
  
I swallowed my mouthful of ice cream and sighed. "It's a long story." I said, scooping up a huge spoonful of fudge. She looked around the restaurant, which at 8:00 a.m. was nearly empty, the early morning breakfast crowd having left. Another waitress stood drumming her fingers on the counter, staring into space. "I think I've got time." She said, sliding into the booth across from me.   
  
I licked the fudge off the spoon and went for the maraschino cherry that was half buried in a whipped cream and nut avalanche.   
  
She rested her elbows on the table and propped her chin in her hand. "This has to do with Duo, doesn't it?" She asked sagely.   
  
I blinked. "How did you…?"   
  
"You're not the first woman to consume mass quantities of chocolate over him." She said wryly. "He tends to bring out that kind self-destructiveness in a woman."   
  
I laughed and put down my spoon. "I am an idiot." I said with feeling. "I mean, I barely know the guy five minutes and I'm having impure thoughts about him and then, he goes out of his way to help me and I get mad when he doesn't try to have his way with me!" I shook my head.   
  
Relena grinned. "Hilde, there's not a day that goes by that I don't have an impure thought about him, I personally think it's some sort of pheromone he produces or something." She shrugged. "But why were you mad at him? Because he acted like a gentleman?"   
  
I ran my finger around the rim of the bowl to capture errant fudge. "Well…I guess…and it's really stupid, but, it was like he was leading me on." I licked the chocolate mess off my finger, realized what I had just said and laughed out loud. Relena joined me. After a few moments, we were still giggling together like schoolgirls.   
  
"Hilde, can I tell you a secret?" Relena asked, wiping some tears of laughter off her face.   
  
I nodded.   
  
"Duo's reputation is mostly undeserved." She said with a small smile. "I know people think he wakes up with a different woman every morning, but it's just not true. He had a wild couple of months or so a few years ago and ever since then, he's had this reputation as a ladies' man."   
  
"How do you know?" I asked curiously.   
  
"Duo and I go way back. He was a friend of my brother's." She replied, eyeing the door as the bell chimed. The other waitress moved to greet the customer and she relaxed.   
  
"Was?" My curiosity was piqued.   
  
"Most definitely past tense." She confirmed. "I don't think Zechs would so much as spit on him now."   
  
"All right, spill it Relena." I said.   
  
She nibbled on her lip for a moment. "Oh, what the hell, it's not like it's a state secret or anything." She leaned forward conspiratorially. "My brother, Zechs is a cop, a detective, actually. He and Duo used to be partners."   
  
"Duo was a cop?" My eyebrows met my hairline.   
  
She nodded. "Duo and my brother were partners together, both lieutenants being primed for a fast move up, but then there was this scandal…something about bribery and police brutality and Duo got caught up in it. So did my brother, actually. But he was cleared. Duo wasn't. They forced him to resign."   
  
"Wow." I said. "I guess your brother thinks Duo's guilty?"   
  
She nodded. "For such a great detective, Zechs sure has failed to see the obvious on this one. I know Duo isn't guilty, most people think it was a set-up, but my stupid brother is too pig headed to listen."   
  
"What about Heero and Quatre? I noticed some bad blood between them, or at least some animosity." I couldn't help asking her, I really wanted to know.   
  
"They were all friends, the three of them went through the Academy together but Heero thinks like my brother. Quatre probably doesn't, but he's Heero's partner, so he keeps his mouth shut." Relena shook her head. "Men can be so stupid."   
  
I nodded. "I wonder who set him up…and why?" I pondered aloud, not really expecting an answer.   
  
"Probably Trieze Khushrenada." Relena replied blithely. "Not too long after Duo was fired, he got caught accepting bribes and a lot of people think he was the one who was guilty, not Duo."   
  
I sat up when Relena said the name. "Isn't he the guy…"   
  
Relena nodded. "He jumped bail. Last year he was arrested for weapons and drugs possession, with the intent to distribute, but then he disappeared. Duo's looking for him, and so are the cops."   
  
I shook my head. "This is complicated." I said, another massive understatement by Hilde Schbeiker. 

  
Relena sighed. "It is. But what makes me so mad is that it doesn't have to be. If Heero and my brother would just get their heads out of their asses, then they could be working with Duo to find Treize. Instead, all three of those morons are working against each other and Khushrenada is probably taking advantage of the chaos to slip away."   
  
I blinked. "You could be a detective, Relena." I said with a small shake of my head.   
  
She laughed. "I made it half way through the academy before I discovered that I hated shooting guns. That's a bit of a handicap for a cop, don't you think?"   
  
/////////

  
Relena was kind enough to treat me to another hot fudge sundae, but since she hated seeing me eat alone, she joined me with one of her own. We mostly just gossiped and she filled me in on the enigma that is Duo Maxwell. After I finished stuffing my face, I fairly skipped down the two blocks to Wufei's to present my body receipt. 

I walked, rather than drove not just because Wufei's was only two blocks away and I had just eaten two hot fudge sundaes, but also because the less time spent in the Wreck, the better. My mother, true to her word, had dropped the tin can masquerading as a car off that morning, while I was in the shower. 

I had driven it, coughing and sputtering smoke, the muffler having long since gone to the Pep Boys in the sky, downtown to Relena's to wait for Wufei to open shop.   
  
Dannie beamed when I handed her the slip. You'd think she was my mom and I was handing her a report card with straight A's. "Your first apprehension, and in only one day!" She said, looking a bit misty eyed. I half expected her to whip out a camera or something.   
  
Instead, she whipped out a checkbook, which I vastly preferred, and wrote out a check for $2,000.00   
  
As she handed me the check, she grinned at me conspiratorially. Her lipstick that day was a bright cotton candy pink, which clashed horribly with her hennaed hair. "I heard about your little adventure last night. Wufei came in this morning, looking like shit. I guess Sally really let him have it when she got home last night."   
  
I felt a slight twinge of guilt, but not Dannie, who looked as though she had gotten everything she wanted for Christmas.   
  
As I really didn't want to face an irate Wufei, I thanked her and booked it to the bank. I spent the rest of the day paying off debts.   
  
My landlord looked at me suspiciously as I handed him a wad of cash to pay for last month's and this month's rent. "I don't want any drugs in my building." He said, with narrowed eyes.   
  
I shook my head. "No sir, no drugs. I just thought cash would be better than a check."   
  
He grunted. "Especially since your last one bounced." He pocketed the cash and walked away, his giant ring of keys jingling nosily.   
  
I had just enough left over to get my phone turned back on and buy some groceries.   


//////////

  
God, I can't tell you what having a fridge full of food did for my mood. I hummed, I sang, I might have even done a little dance, but I really can't recall.   
  
I do remember, however, exactly what I was doing when my doorbell rang at around 10:00 that night. I was eating a Swanson's chicken potpie and flipping through a shoe catalogue, two of my favorite things to do. Honestly, some people swear by Marie Callendar's pot pies, but let me tell you something, Marie's got nothing on Swanson's.   
  
Anyway, I was lusting after a pair of black stiletto heels, politely referred to as 'fuck me pumps' by my cousin Sally (pardon my French and hers) when the chime of my doorbell interrupted me. I sighed, took one last bite of my pie and trudged to the door. I wasn't expecting anyone, and my rule has always been that uninvited guests are uninvited for a reason.   
  
I peered through the peephole and saw one messy looking Duo Maxwell standing on my doorstep. Odd, since messy looking Duo Maxwells rarely show up on my welcome mat. I opened the door, prepared to give him a lecture on the proper use of a telephone, when I discovered that he wasn't just messy, he was bleeding. And I've watched enough detective shows to recognize a bullet wound when I see one.   
  
"Hey." He said, giving me a weak smile. The guy was bleeding onto my welcome mat and all he could say was 'hey'?   
  
"I don't want to know." I said, stepping aside to let him in.   
  
He took a step forward and nearly collapsed. I caught him and dragged him the rest of the way into my apartment. "God, Duo, you need to get to a hospital." I gasped.   
  
He shook his head. "No, no hospital." He grunted. "Just…just get me a first aid kit."   
  
The request was so ridiculous that I almost laughed, except that he was dead serious.   
  
I kicked the door shut with my foot and dragged him into my bathroom, where I sat him on the toilet while I rummaged through my medicine cabinet.   
  
I found a half-empty bottle of Bactine and two Band-Aids.   
  
"Duo, I don't really have anything…we should really go to a hospital." I turned to him.   
  
He was gray faced. "No, Hilde." He grunted. "They'll arrest me."   
  
I raised my hand. "I said I didn't want to know."   
  
He sighed and slumped slightly.   
  
I chewed on my lower lip while I waged an internal battle between the 'get the moron to a hospital' side and the 'maybe a hospital isn't a good idea' side. Finally, I sighed and shook my head. "Okay, just wait here a second, ok?"   
  
He made a noise that I took to be a positive one. I ran out of the bathroom and to my bedside table where my address book was. I flipped through it until I found the number I needed. Thank God I had gotten my phone reconnected! I grabbed the phone off the charger and pounded in a number.  
  
An irritated sounding voice answered on the third ring. God, was he ever in a good mood? "Wufei, I need to talk to Sally, right now."   



	7. Sally Chang Saves the Day

**Bounty Hunter Diaries Chapter 7: Sally Chang Saves the Day, Heero Yuy is Pissed, Again.**   
  
**Rated PG-13** for Pirate-like cursing.   
  
_Disclaimer: As much as I would love to be able to lay claim to Duo Maxwell (heh heh) I can't, because the only thing I currently own is my Kenshin plushie, and even he's licensed! Long story short, Gundam Wing in owned by other people. A/N: Thanks thanks for all the positive feedback I've gotten so far! You guys rock! (Leave me more! It makes me happy!)_   
  
Not a new chapter, but I fixed some inconsistencies with this chapter and chapter 8. There will, however, be a new chapter coming soon!   


* * *

My couch is covered with worn plum colored velvet. I never realized how soothing velvet was to play with until I was sitting on the couch, nervously awaiting my cousin Sally's verdict on Duo's health. My fidgety fingers rubbed the nap back and forth, the tactile therapy calming me somewhat. There was no sound coming from my bedroom. I was left with my increasingly morbid thoughts and the constant ticking of my mantle clock. If Sally didn't hurry up and tell me what was going on, I was going to rub a hole in my couch.   
  
It didn't help that Wufei was sitting in my armchair, scowling out the window. "No fucking T.V." He muttered.   
  
I frowned at him. Since he and Sally had arrived half an hour ago, he'd done nothing but complain. First, I didn't have the kind of liquor he preferred, then I had no T.V., and I had no decent books. Now he was back to bitching about the T.V.   
  
"Dorothy Catalonia." I said in a low singsong whisper.   
  
His face blanched slightly and he shut his mouth.   
  
I grinned and settled back to do some serious tactile therapy.   
  
Sally emerged just in time to save the arm of my couch from having a hole burned through it. She had a bit of blood spattered on her shirt and she looked tired.   
  
She plopped down next to me with a sigh. "The bullet went straight through, didn't hit anything. He was lucky. A few inches to the left and it would have hit his heart. The rest of the damage was superficial." She turned to me and gave me the evil eye. "He should have gone to a hospital." She said, disapproval heavy in her voice.   
  
I frowned. "He refused. He was worried about being arrested."   
  
Sally closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. "Wonderful. So, he's on the run from the law. And here we all are, accessories."   
  
Wufei grunted. "Not the first time, babe." He said to his wife. He wasn't scowling anymore. In fact, he looked down right amused. I was shocked. Who knew he was capable of any other emotion?   
  
Sally laughed. "True."   
  
It was then that I remembered how they had met. Wufei had been in circumstances not unlike Duo's and Sally had been the emergency room nurse who had fixed him up and 'forgotten' to call the police.   
  
They were making gooey eyes at each other. Blech.   
  
Hoping to turn Sally's attention away from her husband, I tapped her hand. "Is Duo awake?"   
  
She turned to me and shrugged. "He was when I left him, but I gave him a pretty powerful painkiller. If he's not out, then he's on his way." She went back to making kissy faces at Wufei. I was going to be sick.   
  
"I'm going to go check on him." I said, rising quickly from my seat. "No sex on my couch or I will charge you for the cleaning." I said testily. They both ignored me.   
  
My room was dark and smelled strongly of anti-septic. Duo was propped up with several pillows, his head lolling against the headboard. I couldn't tell if he was awake or not.   
  
"Duo?" I whispered.   
  
He grunted. I suppose that meant he was awake.   
  
I tiptoed across the room and gingerly settled myself on the edge of the bed. "How are you feeling?" I murmured.   
  
"Like I've been shot." He said hoarsely.   
  
I grinned and took hold of his hand. "Sally says you'll be fine." I said.   
  
He nodded and then grimaced in pain from the movement.   
  
"Would it be all right if I bunked down here for a bit?" He asked.   
  
I looked down at our hands. His was large and slightly rough, but his nails were trimmed and neat. Odd detail to notice, but I did. The truth was, I was curious as to why, of all the doorsteps on the colony he could have bled on, he chose mine. We've barely known each other for a few days.   
  
I looked down at him and asked.   
  
He sighed. "Because I trust you." He said after a moment.   
  
I'm pretty sure that I looked like I was about to be hit by a truck. Wide eyes, gaping mouth, the whole bit.   
  
"Why?" I finally managed.   
  
He tried to shrug, remembered his bullet wound and squeezed my hand instead. "I have no idea. But I do."   
  
"You can stay." I said after a long moment.   
  
"The police might come looking for me, you could be held as an accessory." He said.   
  
"Accessory to what?"   
  
He frowned. "Murder."   
  
I dropped his hand. "Shit, Duo, what did you do?"   
  
"I didn't, that's the whole problem. Somebody's trying to set me up." His expression now was fierce. "I think I got too close to Khushrenada and he's trying to make sure I won't be a problem."   
  
"It would be hard to track him down from a prison cell." I conceded.   
  
He nodded. "Or dead."   
  
"Who was murdered?" I asked quietly.   
  
He released a long, shuddering sigh. "Relena Darlian."   
  
Relena. I felt the color drain from my face and my stomach twisted. "Are you sure?" She couldn't be dead. Not Relena.   
  
Duo frowned. "No. But I was lured to the restaurant and when I got there, she was lying on the floor, covered with blood and she wasn't moving."   
  
Tears rose up in my eyes. I liked Relena.   
  
He took my hand and stroked it gently. "Trieze knows that now Zechs and Heero will hunt me down like a dog. I'll be so busy covering my ass, I won't be looking for his."   
  
"I understand Zechs, but why Heero? Loyalty?" I asked, ignoring the tears that were leaking from my eyes.   
  
"Heero and Relena are in love with each other. They were engaged, but she broke it off. But they're still sort of a couple." Duo still spoke of Relena in the present tense. He didn't want her to be dead, either.   
  
"Who shot you?" I asked, trying to imagine Heero being capable of affection.   
  
"Zechs. He caught me at the scene. I barely got out of there alive." Duo sighed. "Trieze is a dead man, no matter what I have to do. I don't care about the money, this is fucking personal."   
  
He looked at me for a long moment, then gently wiped the tears off of my face. "I'll need your help, since I can't move around in the open. Will you be my eyes and ears?"   
  
I nodded. "I want this bastard dead." I said vehemently, and I meant it. Relena was a sweet, gentle soul who didn't deserve her fate. Trieze Khushrenada was going down if I had to stick my stun gun up his ass to do it.   
  
I slept on my couch that night, haunted by dreams of Relena. I woke up around six, finally unable to bear the nightmares. I got up off the couch and stumbled around for a minute, banging my shin into the coffee table, which caused me to start cursing, loudly, until I remembered Duo sleeping in the next room. A quick check revealed that he had slept through my tirade. Whatever Sally had given him last night was plenty powerful.   
  
I fixed myself a mug of instant coffee and sat, staring out my living room window, wondering how the hell I was going to be able to help bring Khushrenada, an ex-cop and current felon, down, when I could barely handle my gun. He was dangerous and I was a wimp.   
  
A seven thirty, I was on my second cup of coffee, when there was a loud pounding on my door. Jeez. It seemed like all anyone ever did anymore was pound on my door. There was a doorbell, plain as day, right next to the damn door. Why didn't anyone ever ring it?   
  
I scurried to the door and looked out the peephole. Heero Yuy was staring directly back at me. He had dark shadows under his eyes and about a day's worth of beard on his face. He looked like hell. I swallowed. Shit. He wasn't friendly under normal circumstances. How would he be when he was grieving?   
  
I closed my eyes and counted to ten to calm myself. A quick look around my apartment showed that there were no obvious signs of Duo anywhere. My bedroom door was closed as well.   
  
I opened the door as far as the chain would allow and smiled at Heero. "Detective Yuy, what can I do for you?" I hope my voice didn't sound as quivery as it felt.   
  
"Cut the bullshit and let me in." He growled. I blinked.   
  
"Excuse me?" I asked, trying to will my face not to turn red.   
  
He pointed down to my welcome mat. Large splotches of dried blood decorated it.   
  
"I don't think this is from a nosebleed. Now let me in before I break this fucking door down." He never raised his voice, but he was still as scary as hell. I nodded, shut the door and released the chain.   
  
He stepped past me and immediately went to my bedroom. He opened the door and looked in, giving a grunt of satisfaction when he saw Duo.   
  
So much for keeping him safe. Crap. Did I have enough money for bail?   
  
He shut the door and flopped down on my couch. Now, I could be wrong, but this wasn't exactly what I imagined being arrested was like. I expected a battalion of cops, handcuffs, my rights being read, not one cop laying on my couch, looking like he was about to take a nap.   
  
"Uh, hello?" I walked over to Heero and glared down at him, my hands on my hips.   
  
He had one arm flung over his eyes. "Relena is going to live." He said quietly.   
  
Relief rushed through me and I had to sit down. "Thank God." I said.   
  
"Thank Kevlar." Heero replied dryly. "She must have suspected something was up because she was wearing a bullet proof vest. She got shot in the arm, though."   
  
"Are you going to arrest Duo?" I asked, when I was sufficiently calm enough to continue.   
  
"No." Heero muttered. "But I wouldn't let Zechs get a hold of him."   
  
"Then you don't think he's guilty?"   
  
Heero lowered his arm and looked at me. "Duo is an irresponsible, lazy bastard. But he's not vicious or cruel. He likes Relena. There is no way in hell he would have hurt her. Zechs thinks differently, but most of the guys on the force know that he has his head up his ass where Duo is concerned." He sighed and covered his eyes again. "I haven't slept in at least two days. Wake me up when Maxwell's conscious."   
  
Well, shit. Suddenly I was running a half way house for current and former members of the police force. If Quatre showed up, I might scream. 


	8. Guns Are A Girl's Best Friend

**Bounty Hunter Diaries Chapter 8: Guns are a girl's best friend. Rated PG-13 for language** **Rated PG-13** for Pirate-like cursing.   
  
_Disclaimer: As much as I would love to be able to lay claim to Duo Maxwell (heh heh) I can't, because the only thing I currently own is my Kenshin plushie, and even he's licensed! Long story short, Gundam Wing in owned by other people. A/N: Thanks thanks for all the positive feedback I've gotten so far! You guys rock! (Leave me more! It makes me happy!)_   


* * *

I'm about to tell you something that could get me killed.   
  
Heero Yuy snores. Like a foghorn.   
  
After fifteen minutes of listening to his bleating, I decided to get the hell out of my apartment before he gave me a migraine. No wonder Relena broke up with him.   
  
A quick check in the mirror stopped me from heading right out the door. I looked very, very scary. Hair sticking up everywhere, bleary, crusty eyes and I was fairly certain that my breath smelled like the devil. Not to mention I was still in my pajamas.   
  
So, I tiptoed into my room and past Duo, who apparently could sleep through a nuclear attack, and ran a shower. When the water was hot enough for me, I stripped, stepped in and scrubbed myself pink. I briefly contemplated shaving my legs but decided against it. Hairy legs were my only defense against Duo Maxwell and his charms. I seriously doubted a bullet wound would slow him down.   
  
Once I stepped out of the shower and dried off, I realized I had two problems. One, my pajamas were lying in a puddle of water on the floor (whoops) and two, my robe was hanging on my closet door, in my bedroom. Where Duo Maxwell currently slept in my bed. All I had to cover myself was a towel.   
  
I sighed. There was no way I could avoid going into my room with nothing but a towel. All my clothes were in there. I peeked around the door and saw to my relief that Duo was still sleeping soundly. With my fingers crossed, I tiptoed into my room and rifled around my underwear drawer for a clean pair of panties and a bra.   
  
I finally found my emergency pair, but was forced to admit that I really needed to do some laundry and soon. I slipped into them and my bra, slapped on some deodorant and gave myself a few squirts of body spray before turning to my closet to find something to wear.   
  
I was examining a pair of jeans, trying to decide if the hole in the crotch really meant I couldn't wear them, when I felt a pair of eyes boring into my backside. My scantily clad backside. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! He should be asleep, he had slept through everything else! Please don't let Duo Maxwell be awake.   
  
"Let me guess, it's laundry day." His husky voice murmured from my bed.   
  
I gave a little squeak and turned around, my holey jeans clutched to my chest.   
  
"You're supposed to be asleep!" I nearly shrieked.   
  
He grinned. "What can I say, I have naked girl radar." He said.   
  
My face was bright red, I could feel the heat radiating from it.   
  
He tried to sit up, wincing when he remembered the bullet hole in his chest.   
  
"I hope that hurt!" I hissed, shooting him the dirtiest look I could muster. I then blindly reached into the closet and grabbed a random shirt, and, holding both the jeans and my shirt to my chest, ran like a woman chased by sharks into the bathroom.   
  
Okay, so, if I was being chased by sharks, I would be swimming, but bear with me here, I was flustered.   
  
Once in the harsh light of my bathroom, I looked down at my shirt and breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't grabbed something ugly. (My Aunt Tammie once gave me this horrid paisley shirt with puffy sleeves that hung in my closet, waiting for a disco revival) Luckily, I had grabbed one of my nicer shirts, a purple number with a low cut neckline that was casual enough to wear with jeans, even ones with a holey crotch. It was a small hole, anyway.   
  
I dressed quickly, and, since I was still completely flustered, decided to armor myself with plenty of make-up and hairspray. Ten minutes later, I took one last long look in the mirror and gave myself the thumbs up. I was looking right sexy, and I had the perfect revenge in mind for the pervert. It had come to me while I was spraying my hair with ultra hold hairspray. Many of my best ideas come to me while I'm doing my hair, I think maybe it has something to do with all the chemicals in the air.   
  
Duo had managed to prop himself up in bed when I emerged from my cocoon. "Hey, Hilde, I didn't mean to embarrass you." He said, his eyes roving up and down my body with blatant appreciation.   
  
I grinned wickedly at him. "Oh, don't you worry your pretty, braided little head, Duo Maxwell." I fairly sang to him. "I have a perfect punishment in mind for you."   
  
He raised his eyebrows. "If you need handcuffs, babe, I have a pair in my car."   
  
I cackled and opened the bedroom door. "Hey, Heero, he's awake!" I said cheerfully, and, with one last look at his stricken face, waltzed out of my bedroom and out the front door, grabbing a long black cardigan and my purse as I left. I had plans for today.   


* * *

My first plan was to visit Relena in the hospital, since I was both relieved that she was alive and worried about her safety, since someone had tried to kill her to frame Duo and she might just know who.   
  
There are three hospitals that serve the colony. St. Patrick's, where Sally works, Community Memorial, which serves a mostly indigent population, and Health Alliance, which only accepts patients with Gold cards and silver spoons stuck up their asses. Relena wasn't indigent, but I was also fairly certain that the R&C Café wasn't a huge profit center, so I hopped in the Wreck and chugged to St. Patrick's.   
  
The nurse stationed at the front desk wore a nametag that identified her as "Helen", but I seriously think it should have said: "Attila". She would have given Heero a run for his money in the scary faces department.   
  
I asked to see Relena Darlian, and she informed me that Relena was on a secured floor and was not currently accepting unannounced visitors. I explained that I was a friend. She was unmoved. I asked if she could call and see if Relena would see me. She threatened to have security throw me out. I left then, vowing to ask Sally about Helen and see if there was any way I could have her maimed.   
  
My next stop was Wufei's, where I hoped to pump Dannie for information about Trieze. With her artificial red hair, obsession with spandex, cheese flavored snacks and clown-like make-up, Wufei's secretary did not seem like a woman who could file alphabetically, let alone work the computer that sat on her desk. However, I knew that Dannie's appearance was deceiving. She was hell on a keyboard. Give her a name and in fifteen minutes, she would have their address, phone number, license plate, car registration, credit card numbers, medical history, banking information and criminal history displayed on her screen. Give her twenty minutes and you would know far more about a person than you ever wanted to.   
  
I gave her Trieze's name and asked her to give me everything on him. If she recognized the name, she did not say.   
  
I left her and went to the gun shop. The man who ran the place, whose nickname was Trigger, was a personal friend of Duo's. He remembered me from my rather large purchase a few days earlier and was quick to produce my gun.   
  
When Duo had dragged me into the shop, I had initially been attracted to the Smith and Wesson .44 Magnum with the eight inch barrel. I had pointed the gun at my reflection in the mirror and said, "Do you feel lucky punk? Do you?", feeling very cool and not a little bit like some femme fatale in a James Bond movie or something. Duo had gently pried the gun from my fingers and told me that, while sometimes bigger is better, in this case, it wasn't.   
  
"This gun will lift you off your feet and slam you into a wall, babe." He said, putting the gun back on the counter. He had a heated discussion with Trigger which resulted in the gun that I eventually bought. A double action Smith and Wesson 9 mm automatic pistol with a four inch barrel and 10 round capacity, in lovely stainless steel and black polymer. It weighed in at a light 24.7 ounces and fit nicely into my purse or the shoulder holster Trigger had thrown in after I'd spent over $100.00.   
  
Trigger laid the gun down on the counter reverently. "Duo asked me to expedite the licensing process. You must be psychic, 'cause I was just about to call you to come get it." he said with a gap toothed grin.   
  
Now, I might have mentioned this before, but I'd like to reiterate that I really, really REALLY hate guns. I'm the kind of person who's libel to kill myself in some sort of cookie-baking related disaster. With a gun, lord only knows what I'll do. But I was pissed. First, Trieze Khushrenada's attempt to frame Duo had backfired and injured a person I was beginning to consider a good friend. Second, Duo Maxwell had seen me in my most decrepit pair of panties and third, Heero Yuy's snoring had driven me out of my apartment. I was not having a good day, and I figured that pumping several rounds of ammunition into targets that I would pretend were Duo, Trieze and Heero, would be beneficial not only to my aim, but also to my overall well- being.   
  
I took the gun from Trigger and plopped down twenty dollars, which was the standard fee to use the range. "I'd like to practice with this." I told Trigger. He nodded and handed me a box of ammo and ear plugs.   
  
"Every station is open, just pick one and hit the switch to get the target movin'." He said.   
  
I thanked him and went into the back, where the man-shaped targets waited in silence for me to shoot the shit out of them.   
  
Now, I'm not one to advocate the use of guns as a therapeutic measure, but let me tell you, after an hour at the range, I felt great. My gun didn't seem so scary to me anymore. Trigger had suggested that I name it to make it seem less intimidating. I rolled my eyes, thinking that this was a typical man thing to suggest, but I did decide to name it.   
  
I named it Leroy, I guess because Leroy sounds tough. Don't ask me why, but I once named a goldfish Russell because I thought it sounded 'fishy'.   
  
I returned the empty ammo box to Trigger. He handed me the gun permit, which also gave me the right to carry concealed.   
  
"Is this legal?" I asked him suspiciously.   
  
He grinned. "Legal, illegal, it's all about perspective." He said cheerfully.   
  
I sighed. Better pretend I never asked. I bought more ammo and tucked my unloaded gun away in my purse. I thanked Trigger for his help and went back to Wufei's to see what Dannie had produced.   
  
She handed me a file folder full of paper. "There's things about this guy that even his own mama doesn't know." She said gleefully. "Hell, there's shit in there that I don't even think he knows."   
  
I flipped through it, giving everything a cursory once-over. I saw his photograph from the police academy, where he was a clean-cut, good looking young recruit. Following his personnel files from the police were newspaper articles about the scandal that had brought Duo down, Trieze's eventual dismissal from the force, and small snippets from when he was arrested and from when he escaped. Dannie had also included things like his last known address, his driving record and vehicle information, medical and dental records, credit card history and, incredibly, a copy of his birth certificate.   
  
"I don't think I want to know how you got all this." I told her seriously. She smiled beatifically.   
  
"You just have to know what to type." She said cheerfully.   
  
I thanked her and scooted out of the office, not really wanting to see Wufei.   
  
I sat in the Wreck and looked more closely at his file. Trieze Khushrenada was a man who had lived a life of privilege. Everything had been handed to him, but he had squandered his opportunities and eventually, his dishonesty had caught up with him.   
  
I was looking at one of the photographs of him that had appeared in the paper when he was on trial for his part in the bribery and brutality scandal, when I caught a familiar face hovering in the background of the picture. I pulled out more press photos and found her, always in the back, in three more. At first, I couldn't quite place her, but after a few long moments, it occurred to me where I had seen her.   
  
She worked for Relena. She was the bored looking waitress who had been at the R&C the day I had gone to drown my sorrows in hot fudge and whipped cream. I felt my stomach drop and somehow, I knew.I knew that she was involved.   
  
Relena had called her Une. Une what? I needed to find out. I hopped out of the car and ran back into Wufei's office, hoping Dannie could help me out.   


* * *

Catherine, Relena's business partner, lived with her brother in one of the nicer sections of the colony. Dannie had given me her address and phone number.   
  
I thought about just calling, but my request was strange enough to warrant a personal visit. I chugged up in front of her house, the Wreck looking decidedly out of place among the carefully maintained lawns and houses, the newer model cars with luxuries like mufflers and matching doors.   
  
There were lights on in her house and I hesitated only briefly before ringing the doorbell.   
  
The door opened and I was looking into the familiar face of detective Quatre Winner. I looked down at the address scrawled on the front of Trieze's folder and back up at Quatre. I was very confused.   
  
He smiled at me, slightly quizzical. "Oh my, don't tell me Cathy or Trowa has skipped bail, Miss Schbeiker."   
  
I shook my head. "No.I was hoping to speak to Catherine. Are you here on police business?" I asked, curious as to why he was here.   
  
He shook his head and I realized that a cop wouldn't have taken off his shoes, unbuttoned the first two buttons of his shirt and un-holstered his gun if he was on police business. "Oh, then you must be Catherine's boyfriend?" Damn it, I was sooo nosy, but I really couldn't help myself. I blame my mother and bad genetics.   
  
"No, not Cathy's." He said, leaving the rest up to interpretation. When it finally occurred to me what he probably meant, my eyebrows met my hairline and my face tinted pink. He smiled.   
  
"Come in." He said, stepping aside and waving me into the house. "I'll go tell her you're here, I think I last saw her heading to the bathroom, muttering about a shower."   
  
He shooed me into the living room with instructions to make myself comfortable. I sat awkwardly on the couch and pondered what he had sort of told me. If he wasn't Catherine's boyfriend, then that left...   
  
That left the handsome young man with the dark brown hair and serious eyes who walked into the living room and gave me an odd look.   
  
I can't really blame him, I suppose. After all, if I walked into my living room and saw some wierd girl sitting on my couch, I would have probably given her a strange look, too.   
  
"I'm here to see Catherine." I offered. He nodded, but said nothing. Was he mute?   
  
I stood and offered my hand. "Hilde Schbeiker." He took it and smiled, if ever so very slightly. He had a strong grip and he looked me straight in the eyes.   
  
"Trowa Barton. I've heard a lot about you, Miss Schbeiker."   
  
I decided not to dwell on that and took my place on the couch. He offered me a drink that I politely refused and ended up perching on the oversized, plush arm of the couch.   
  
"Catherine just got back from visiting Relena in the hospital." He said, stretching his arms over his head. "She's in the shower."   
  
I nodded and stared at my feet. What on earth could I say to him? 'So, I hear you're gay?' Nope, that wouldn't work, and knowing me, that's probably what would pop out of my mouth the moment it opened. I decided to keep my lips clamped shut. The minutes seemed to creep by and I busied myself by studying the pattern on the couch upholstery. Plaid, very nice.   
  
Trowa cleared his throat. "So, you're a bounty hunter, right?" He asked me, his voice pleasantly rich and masculine. "How does one get into that particular field?"   
  
I smiled and unclamped my lips. "By accident, I think."   
  
He chuckled. "Some of the best careers are had by accident." He observed.   
  
I nodded. "What do you do?" This was safe territory, unless he was a male stripper or something.   
  
"Entertain." He replied mysteriously. Oh shit, he was a stripper.   
  
He looked at my stricken expression and hastened to explain.   
  
"I'm a trapeze artist and sometimes I work with the lions, as well." He said. "I work for Circus Circus downtown."   
  
I was dumbfounded. I had never, ever met a circus performer before. "Do you get dental with that?" I managed to ask.   
  
He laughed and shook his head. "The lions have better health care than I do."   
  
"Well, it's probably a good idea to keep them happy, right?" I asked, wide- eyed.   
  
He nodded. "True. I'd rather not lose an arm. It would hinder my abilities as an acrobat."   
  
My next question came tumbling out of my mouth before I had an opportunity to phrase it correctly.   
  
"So, you must be very flexible then?"   
  
He smiled.   
  
"I think he is." Quatre answered as he and Catherine came through the door. I looked from him to Trowa, who was smiling his mysterious smile, and back to Quatre again, my face tomato red.   
  
"We'll leave you two to talk." Trowa said politely, rising off the couch arm in a single graceful movement. He grabbed Quatre's hand and the two disappeared down the hallway, Quatre's laughter trailing away behind them.   
  
Catherine, whose auburn tinted hair was swept up in a sloppy, wet ponytail, giggled. She was still giggling when she came up to me and shook my hand. "Pleased to meet you, Hilde. Relena's told me a lot about you."   
  
She gestured to the couch and we both sat. I, of course, immediately asked her how Relena was doing.   
  
"She's fine." Catherine replied easily. "She lost some blood and has a bullet embedded in her arm and some cracked ribs from the impact of the bullets to her Kevlar vest, but other than that.she's mostly just pissed off, and worried about Duo."   
  
I nodded. "Next time you see her, will you please tell her that Duo is fine?"   
  
Catherine raised an eyebrow but nodded.   
  
"Listen, Catherine, I didn't just come here to ask about Relena." I said, taking Trieze's folder from the floor, where I had left it. "I need to ask you about one of your employees, Une."   
  
Catherine was, at first puzzled, then concerned and, finally, angry as I showed her the photos from the file and explained my theory about Une and Trieze.   
  
"That little whore!" She spat, clenching the couch cushions in anger.   
  
"Well...I could be wrong, Catherine." I said, a little worried about her reaction.   
  
Catherine shook her head. "It sounds dead on to me. So, what can I do for you?"   
  
"I need her address." I said.   
  
She frowned. "Do the police know about this?"   
  
I shook my head. "Not yet, I just found out myself."   
  
"But you will tell them, right?" She released the couch cushions from her death grip and gnawed on her bottom lip.   
  
"Of course. I just want to be sure." I replied. "I'd be really embarrassed if I sent them on a wild goose chase."   
  
She nodded and rose from the couch. "Hold on, I think I've got Une's address on my computer." Muttering to herself, she left the room.   
  
I shut Trieze's folder and looked around the room, studying the posters and pictures that decorated it.   
  
Catherine came back in a few minutes later, a piece of paper clutched in her hand. "Her address was on her pay stubs." She said, handing me the paper.   
  
I took it and looked at the address; I was vaguely familiar with the neighborhood.   
  
I stood up and slipped the paper into Trieze's file. "Thanks for your help, Catherine. I really appreciate it."   
  
She nodded and, surprisingly, gave me a quick hug. "Be careful, Hilde. It's dangerous out there."   
  
I thanked her again and left, wondering what I had gotten myself into.   


* * *

The drive to Une's blue collar neighborhood took me about ten minutes. It took me another five to find her house. It looked dark and empty, but I spied a small light burning through one of the side windows.   
  
I turned off my car and sat, wondering what the hell I should do next. On an impulse, I fished around in my purse until I came up with Heero's card and my cell phone.   
  
The first number rang without answer, so I disconnected and dialed the second, where Heero directed me to leave a message in his usually terse manner. I told him what was going on and my suspicions, because quite frankly, I was scared. If I suddenly disappeared, I wanted there to be a record somewhere of my theory.   
  
When I was done, I called my own number, hoping Duo would pick up. He didn't, so I left a similar message on my own machine. Feeling slightly better, I switched off the phone and tossed it back in my purse, deciding to resume my impromptu stake-out.   
  
It was about five minutes later when my door was yanked open and a hand reached in to pull me roughly out. Before I could say anything, something clapped over my mouth and my assailant hit me over the head. For the second time in nearly as many days, I was knocked unconscious. 


	9. Trieze Khushrenada Has Funny Eyebrows

Bounty Hunter Diaries, Chapter 9: Trieze Khushrenada Has Funny Eyebrows   
Rated PG-13 For Cursing   
  
  
I was having the most interesting dream involving Duo Maxwell and a set of handcuffs, when I was rudely interrupted by someone waving ammonia salts under my nose. The smell jerked me back into consciousness, and I discovered a few things:   
  
1. Duo Maxwell, naked or otherwise was nowhere to be found   
2. I was still wearing handcuffs, but not in the happy way I had been dreaming about   
3. Treize Khushrenada is not a bad-looking guy, but he has creepy eyebrows.   
  
I knew the last bit about Treize's eyebrows because he was hovering right in front of me, a smirk plastered on his patrician face.   
  
"Good morning, Hilde." He said, oozing charm. However, since I was currently trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey and nursing a massive headache, his charm rolled right off of me.   
  
"What the hell is going on?" I managed to ask. My throat felt dry and scratchy and I could barely get the words out.   
  
His grin went up a notch and he patted my cheek. "You and Maxwell are seriously getting on my nerves." He replied. I recoiled from his hand and that only seemed to amuse him more. He continued to stroke my cheek.   
  
"I thought that perhaps I should send Maxwell a message." His caress turned into a stinging slap. My eyes watered with the pain, but I would not give him the satisfaction of crying. Instead, I glared at him.   
  
He stepped back and feigned fear. "If looks could kill, Hilde, I'd be dead. Unfortunately, they don't and the only one ending up dead around here will be you." He turned and barked a command to someone who was out of my sight. A few moments later, the woman I recognized as Une, Relena and Cathy's waitress, came into my peripheral vision, a mini-cam in her hand.   
  
"Hilde, why don't you smile for your boyfriend?" Trieze jerked my head up by my hair and laughed. "Look, Maxwell. Look good, because I guarantee this will be the last time you see her alive." He said for the camera.   
  
"He's not my boyfriend, you dick!" I hissed, but Trieze ignored me.   
  
Instead, he slapped me again and this time, I felt a small trickle of blood ooze from my bottom lip. I still wouldn't cry. No way. I come from a long line of people with more pride than common sense and I wasn't about to disgrace the family.   
  
Treize frowned and let go of my hair. My head dropped down and I stared at him from under my sweaty bangs. He produced a knife from one of his pockets and crouched next to me again.   
  
"I really think a scream or two would heighten the drama, Hilde." Treize said cheerfully, pressing the tip of the knife into my upper arm. I winced.   
  
Treize sighed and withdrew the knife tip from my arm. "Let me hear you scream." He said quietly into my ear. I glared at him. He smiled. The knife came rushing towards me and embedded itself into my side. I couldn't be brave any more, my mouth opened and I screamed.   
  
It hurt, oh god, it hurt. My entire left side felt like it was on fire. I bit my lip and tears dripped down my face, dropping to the floor to mix with my blood. My blood, pooling onto the filthy concrete floor. My eyes swam in and out of focus and I was pretty sure I was on my way to passing out again, but I fought it. I was afraid I wouldn't wake up.   
  
"Doesn't she have a lovely scream?" Trieze asked the camera. If I had been in any shape to kick him, I would have, hard.   
  
Trieze pulled the knife out of my side and stood up, absently wiping the blood off on my shirt. "Now, Maxwell, let me show you what I do to people who don't mind their own business." I heard the distinct click of a gun hammer being cocked. I broke out into a sweat. I was going to die. I tried to recite the lord's prayer but forgot most of it. Instead, I began a silent running apology to my parents, my sister, Sally, and anyone else I could think of. I apologized for dying, for biting my sister at her fifth birthday party and making her cry, for sneaking out of the house to go on dates with delinquent boys, for lying about my grades, for stealing Sally's pink ruffled blouse...   
  
I heard the roar of the gun being fired and I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that it wouldn't hurt to die.   
  
There was a loud thunk of the bullet impacting on something solid and then silence. I wasn't dead. I opened my eyes and strained to look up at Treize. He was smirking at me again. He had shot the wall over my head; tiny bits of plaster drifted down and dusted my hair.   
  
"Don't worry, Hilde. I will kill you, just not right now. I'd rather have you around to torture for just a bit longer." Beside him, Une had already turned off the camera. "But, as far as Maxwell knows, you're dead."   
  
Une popped the tape out of the camera and handed it to him. "Time for a little fun." He said, pocketing it. He turned to leave and motioned for Une to follow. He paused at the doorway. "Don't die on me yet, darling. I've got plans for you." He said just before he slammed the door shut.   
  
I fought the urge to either throw up or pass out. If I wanted to live, I had to stay conscious. First order of business was to get myself un-cuffed. I twisted my wrists back and forth, tugging on them until it hurt so much I had to stop. I had managed to rub them raw and I could feel trickles of blood on my wrists.   
  
I stopped struggling and took a deep, cleansing Zen breath, like that crazy Indian guru to the stars was always harping about. It did help a little. Maybe all those celebrities weren't being gypped. I took a few more Zen breaths and experimented with folding my thumb into my palm until my hand was almost the same size as my wrists. If I could only make my hand a few inches smaller, then I would be able to slip it out. I bent my thumb at a very uncomfortable angle, shoving it more or less under my pinkie. The blood from my wrists acted as a lubricant and, with several very painful jerks, I managed to free my hand.   
  
Holy cow. I was free. I stood up carefully, my legs almost unable to bear my weight. I leaned against the wall and took in my surroundings. I was in some sort of old, empty warehouse, a few dusty, unused boxes that had MORRIS MACHINERY, INC. stamped in big black letters on their sides spoke of my current jail's former capacity.   
  
The only way out was through the door that Treize had exited about a half an hour earlier. There were several dusty windows, but they were high along the ceiling and pretty impossible for me to reach. I sighed and limped toward the door. Suddenly, I felt a wave of fear wash over me. This was too easy. It shouldn't be that easy to escape, no way. I've seen enough movies to know that there should be booby traps and gun-toting henchmen hiding in the shadows.   
  
Either Trieze was screwing with me or he was the dumbest criminal on the colony. I managed to quell my fear and crept towards the door, listening for the sounds of booby traps being activated or the stealth footsteps of ninja assassins. Nothing. It was as silent as the grave. Maybe Treize was the dumbest criminal on the colony. I reached out, half expecting the find the door unlocked. I turned the knob and discovered...that the door was locked. Damn. Okay, he may not be an Einstein, but he wasn't entirely stupid, either.   
  
I have absolutely no idea how to pick a lock. I was definitely too weak to try and kick the door down and unless I had some heretofore untapped Inspector Gadget abilities, I was not going to reach those windows. So, I did the only thing I could: I cursed. A lot. Then, I leaned my forehead against the door and began to cry. Yeah, I was crying. But dammit, I'm no action hero; I'm just a former corporate manager with a gun and too many bills to pay. I have no idea how long I stood there, feeling weak and helpless and completely sorry for myself.   
  
I sniffled and suddenly, I heard footsteps and the distinct rattle of keys on a key ring. Someone was coming. I leaped away from the door like it was on fire and pressed myself against the wall on one side of it. I had a very small advantage: I was free and I knew they were coming. On the other hand, I was also bleeding heavily, in a lot of pain and a total wuss. Crap. Well, I was going to put my life in the hands of fate this one time. I said a small prayer begging the powers that be not to screw me over and then took another one of those deep Zen breaths.   
  
The key clicked in the lock and the door swung open. Une stood in the doorway, illuminated by the light from the room beyond. She was carrying some gauze and a bottle of alcohol, presumably to fix me up. Whatever she was expecting to see when the door opened, it most probably wasn't my fist, which is what her eyes focused on as soon as they got used to the dimness.   
  
I punched her hard in the face and felt the satisfying crunch of her nose breaking underneath my knuckles. I was angry and in pain, my fist was powered by adrenaline and rage. She stumbled back and hit the floor, the gauze and plastic bottle of alcohol bouncing on the cheap linoleum floor. The only sound she made was a surprised grunt as I hit her, after that, she was quiet.   
  
As I stepped over her prone form, I remembered that people could choke to death on their own blood so I kicked her onto her side, but not gently. Her face was a mess, her nose was sort of squished and bent at the same time and an awful lot of blood was pooling on the floor. I felt a small twinge of sympathy for her. But only a small one. I definitely hadn't forgotten her looming over me and Trieze while she filmed his sadistic little valentine to Duo.   
  
I stepped into what had obviously once been the office for Morris Machinery, Inc. All that was left now were two old, hulking desks and a dilapidated swivel chair. A bare bulb hung from the ceiling and cast a rather unflattering light on the warped faux wood paneling, peeling linoleum and cracked glass of the office.   
  
I was very relieved to see that Trieze was nowhere around. Apparently, he had trusted Une to keep an eye on me. I almost smiled. You just can't find good help these days.   
  
Une's purse sat on one of the desks and I made a beeline for it. I was still running on adrenaline and it was only a matter of time before it wore off and my body reminded me of all the abuse it had endured.   
  
I upended her bag onto the desktop and rifled through the contents. Makeup, hairbrush, birth control pills and, miracle of miracles! A cell phone! I turned it on and dialed my number, hoping to find Duo still at my apartment. Maybe he hadn't seen the tape yet.   
  
No answer at Chez Hilde. I tried his cell phone, but all I got was a machine asking me to leave a message. I hung up and dug through my pants pocket, wincing as I chafed my already sore wrist. Bingo! I dug out Heero's rumpled business card and dialed his cell number.   
  
He picked up on the third ring with a terse, "Yuy."   
  
"Heero, it's Hilde..." I began but he cut me off.   
  
"Jesus Christ, you're alive!" He said with more emotion that I would have ever expected from him.   
  
"Um, yes. I am." I replied stupidly.   
  
"Where are you?" He nearly barked.   
  
I looked around. "I'm not exactly sure, but it appears to be the former office and warehouse for something called Morris Machinery." I said, suddenly aware that my adrenaline had begun to seep out of my system. My side was beginning to throb with renewed vigor.   
  
"I'll find it." He said. "Just stay where you are."   
  
His voice was getting sort of hard to hear, a little fuzzy around the edges. Maybe Une's phone was dying? No, wait, her phone was also getting a little fuzzy around the edges. I was the one who was dying. Crap.   
  
I heard him say something else, but I really couldn't make sense of it. My legs folded and I landed on my knees on the floor, but I didn't really feel the jolt. Actually, to tell you the truth, I really didn't feel much of anything at all.   
  
  



	10. Hilde Schbeiker’s Mom Is Very Scary

** Bounty Hunter Diaries**  
by Gemini  
  
**Chapter 10: Hilde Schbeiker's Mom Is Very, Very Scary**  
  
Rated PG-13 for Pirate-like cursing.

**Disclaimer: **As much as I would love to be able to lay claim to Duo Maxwell (heh heh) I can't, because the only thing I currently own is my Kenshin plushie, and even he's licensed! Long story short, Gundam Wing in owned by other people. 

  


* * *

  
During my two year tenure as a mid-level manager, I received a total of six paper cuts,   
one staple in my pinkie and a coffee burn. During my four day stint as a bounty hunter,  
I had been hit over the head twice and stabbed. As I lay barely conscious in  
my hospital bed, I wondered if maybe I had chosen the wrong career. Perhaps I shouldn't  
have turned my nose up at the fast food jobs. I mean, I'm fairly certain I'd rather   
smell like grease all the time than nurse a stab wound.   
  
Speaking of stab wounds…I gently pressed my hand to my side to assess the damage. There   
were several layers of gauze between me and my stitches, and about 150 mg of painkiller  
between me and the pain. I felt hazy and dull, whatever they had given me was potent   
enough to make me forget my own first name, which I was fairly certain started with an H.   
Or maybe an S.   
  
Something shifted at the end of my bed and it wasn't me. The little machine that monitored   
my heart rate started beeping much faster, in tune with my racing pulse.   
  
I struggled to sit up, but it hurt so much that I stopped and flopped onto my back with a groan.   
Whatever or whoever was at the end of my bed moved again, into my line of sight. It was Duo. I   
sighed with relief and rubbed my eyes to bring him into focus.   
  
"You're awake." He said matter-of-factly.   
  
I nodded and got a good look at him as he moved closer to me. He looked terrible, not unlike   
Heero had when he appeared at my doorstep…how long ago? A day? Two?   
  
"How long have I been out?" I asked.   
  
"A day." He replied, his voice hoarse.   
  
I nodded, internally relieved that I hadn't pulled a Rip Van Winkle and slept through   
a decade or something. I studied him again. "You look like shit." I said with a raised eyebrow.   
  
He smiled. "You're no oil painting, either." He said, his relief obvious in his voice.   
He moved closer until he was standing by the head of my bed.   
  
"Yeah, well, I was kidnapped and stabbed by a homicidal maniac. What's your excuse?" I asked,   
trying to joke around with him.   
  
"I was really worried about you." The teasing note had vanished from his voice, replaced by something   
strangely…vulnerable. "When I saw that video…" He stopped and his hands clenched spasmodically at   
the metal railing of my bed. "I shouldn't have gotten you involved…"   
  
"Duo, I'm a big girl. I got myself involved." I said quietly. I rested my hands on his and he relaxed  
somewhat, releasing the metal rail from his death grip. "I don't blame you."   
  
He was silent for a minute, his expression going through several changes until it settled on determined.  
And then he did something that I would have never expected. He kissed me. The bastard kissed me!  
He leaned down, cradled my face between his hands and gently brushed his lips against mine.   
  
I was too surprised to respond. I mean, look at it from my perspective. I was lying in a hospital  
bed, looking like complete crap and here was this amazingly sexy guy I had known less than a full  
work week locking lips with me! It boggled my mind.   
  
He pulled away slightly and looked right into my eyes. What I saw in his made me shiver.  
They were dark with all sorts of emotions: anger, fear, hope, affection, sadness and something   
else…something quite new to me.   
  
"Is this okay?" He asked me quietly, resting his forehead against mine.   
  
Well, being macked on while in a hospital bed was probably bad etiquette, but frankly,  
I didn't care. What I saw in his eyes…I would trust Duo Maxwell with my life and, maybe more.   
  
On occasion, I read those smutty five dollar romance paperbacks they sell in the check-out  
lanes of grocery stores; before today, I always rolled my eyes whenever the heroine and hero   
ended up falling madly in love after a day or two. But now, now I was beginning to wonder if   
there was some truth to the idea. Duo Maxwell walked into my life four days ago and now  
maybe I'm falling in love with him… or maybe it's lust. But it's certainly something.   
  
I grabbed his shirt and kissed him back, this time it was more than a chaste brush of lips.   
I leaned back into a more comfortable position, still holding onto his shirt so he couldn't   
get away. He didn't seem too inclined to escape. Instead, he braced his arms on either side   
of me to hold his weight while he did things to my mouth with his tongue that made my toes curl.   
  
We probably would have happily died from lack of oxygen if someone hadn't cleared his throat   
in my doorway.   
  
Reluctantly, Duo pulled away and we both glared at the person who had interrupted us.   
  
Heero didn't seem particularly ruffled by our death glares. "Well, I see you are well   
on your way to recovery, Hilde." He said in his usual monotone.   
  
I turned bright red while Duo, my great defender, merely chuckled. I turned my nasty  
look from Heero to him. He coughed and scratched his head in an embarrassed manner.   
  
Heero strode into the room, followed by an amused looking Quatre. Good lord. If I never saw   
any of these men again, I think I would die happy. I glanced at Duo and decided that I wouldn't  
mind seeing more of him, but the other two…they had to go.   
  
"Sorry to interrupt, but we need to take your statement." Quatre said, pulling out a tape  
recorder and putting it on the table next to my bed. The little red recording light blinked   
stupidly at me. "We need to know exactly what happened."   
  
Duo flopped down onto the rather uncomfortable looking molded plastic chair next to my bed  
and crossed his arms.   
  
"You need to leave, Maxwell." Heero said.   
  
Duo shot him a dirty look. "No way. I'm staying right here."   
  
"Look, we've already bent all sorts of rules just to let you in here. Even her family  
has been kept away. So do me a favor and get lost." Heero said angrily.   
  
My family. I had completely forgotten about them. My mother must be beside herself.   
"Where is my family? Are they okay?" I asked Quatre, since Heero and Duo were currently   
too busy with their pissing contest to ask.   
  
"They're fine, just worried. They've been here since you were brought in.   
Sally has been keeping them updated on your condition, and she brought them   
in here to see you twice." He replied, smiling in a reassuring way.   
  
"Duo." I said quietly, immediately getting his attention. "Go and tell my family that   
I'm awake and okay. They must be worried sick."   
  
He began to protest, but I gave him my best puppy dog eyes. "Please?"   
  
He sagged. "All right." He said, brushing a stray bit of hair off my forehead   
in a manner that was both tender and possessive. He turned on Heero and became   
all business again. "If you upset her, Yuy, I swear I will kill you."   
  
Heero waved him off.   
  
Duo stalked away, leaving me with Grumpy and his partner Happy.   
  
"Relena wants to come down and visit you. She'll probably come by tomorrow afternoon."   
Heero said gruffly.   
  
I nodded. "I tried to visit her the other day but Attila the Nurse wouldn't let me up here." I replied.   
  
Quatre grinned. "Oh, you mean Helen. She and Duo were at each other's throats last night."   
  
A mental image of Duo fighting with Arnold Schwarzanegger in a nurse's uniform made me giggle.   
  
Heero immediately killed my fun by tossing some glossy photographs onto my bed.  
I recognized the warehouse I had been held in and paled slightly.   
  
"Just so you know, Une is in protective custody upstairs. You broke her nose and knocked   
out a few teeth." Heero said.   
  
I smiled nastily. "Good. I wish I had done more."   
  
Heero didn't respond. He glanced at Quatre, who picked up the interrogation ball.  
"We saw the video Trieze made, Hilde. Duo showed it to us. In fact, we had just  
finished watching it when you called Heero's cell phone."   
  
"How did Duo take it?" I asked quietly.   
  
"Very badly." Heero replied. "I would not trade places with Trieze Khushrenada   
for anything in the world."   
  
I sighed and leaned back into my pillow. "Okay, so, you saw the video. What do you want to know?"   
  
"How you found out about Une." Quatre said.   
  
I closed my eyes and told them everything. How I recognized pictures of Une from newspaper   
clippings, how I went to see Catherine, everything.   
  
"You don't check your messages, do you?" I cracked open an eye and narrowed it at Heero.   
  
"What do you mean?" He asked.   
  
"I called you before Trieze got me. I told everything to your machine."  
  
He looked honestly surprised. "I see."   
  
I felt completely drained and going to sleep seemed like the most wonderful idea I'd ever had.   
  
"Hilde, please try and stay awake, okay?" Quatre gently took my hand and gave it a squeeze. "We'd  
rather not drag this out any longer than necessary."   
  
I blinked and focused on them. "Sorry. What else do you need to know?"   
  
Heero crossed his arms and frowned. "Is there anything else you remember? Important details?"  
  
"Um, not really…Trieze didn't talk much to me. He just slapped me around, stabbed me and  
then called it a day." My patience was wearing thin. I honestly didn't have much to say to him  
and all I wanted to do was sleep.   
  
"Hilde! My god! Are you trying to send me to an early grave?" My mother's shrill voice   
rang out, effectively putting an end to Heero and Quatre's interrogation.   
  
I groaned and closed my eyes, trying to play possum, but mom was having none of it.   
  
"Don't you try and avoid me, young lady!" She lectured.   
  
I cracked open an eye and tried to smile at her. "Hi, mom."   
  
Her hands were on her hips and she was glowering at me. Behind her, my father and my sister,   
Gretchen, stood silently, they both knew better than to try and interrupt my mom when she was   
in one of her moods. And she certainly was in one of her moods.   
  
Gretchen shot me a sympathetic look and my father rolled his eyes.   
  
"…and then they tell me you've been working as a bounty hunter?! And that you've been   
stabbed! How do you think we felt when those policemen came to the door?! You're father   
was beside himself!" Mom was on a roll.   
  
Quatre stepped forward to try and soothe her, but she would have none of it.   
  
"Don't you try and defend her, young man! She is completely over her head! She can't  
even boil water without some sort of disaster and now people are telling me that she  
has a GUN?"   
  
I sighed and tried to sink deeper into the mattress, as though I could go right through it   
and disappear from my mother's angry glare.   
  
"AND you were wearing the most disgusting pair of jeans when they brought you in! Sally  
gave me your clothes and I was horrified! Haven't I taught you to always keep your clothing  
in good repair? And your underwear! How could you keep such a terrible looking pair?!"  
  
Oh my dear lord in heaven, let me die. Please, just let me die. It figures that the one  
time I wore my emergency pair of underwear, I would end up in the hospital, so that all  
and sundry would see them. And if that wasn't humiliating enough, my mother was making sure that  
anyone who might have missed the spectacle of my grossest pair of undies was being told about  
them right now. I glanced over at Quatre, who looked about ready to explode with laughter. He  
was only a few inches away from my bed. I wondered if I could grab his gun and shoot myself before  
my mother began talking about my bedwetting problem and the time I threw up on Sister Mary Catherine  
after eating an entire box of communion wafers during my Sunday School's Christmas Pageant. It was  
probably the first timea sheep had tossed its cookies on a nun. Then again, maybe I could just shoot  
my mom. Nothing fatal, just a little wound to keep her quiet.   
  
Sadly, Quatre, as though sensing my thoughts, moved away from my bed and out of reach. Damn.   
  
"Uh, mom…I'm fine, really…" I tried to soothe her, but she was not about to let me off the hook.  
  
"And wait until I get my hands on that Wufei! What was he thinking, sending you out on such   
dangerous missions?!" She rode roughshod right over me and continued her lecture.   
  
"Um…well, I…" I shouldn't leave Wufei twisting in the wind, not after I all but forced him to  
give me the job with blackmail. I tried to set the record straight, but then Sally came in and  
I couldn't continue. Sorry, Wufei. Oh well, he'd probably rather face my mom than Sally any day.   
  
"Aunt Lena, I'm sorry, but your five minutes are up. Hilde's been through a lot and she needs her  
rest." Sally said gently, throwing me a dirty look promising lots of pain. No doubt her collusion in  
this whole mess had come out and she'd gotten in trouble, too. Her mother could be just as scary as   
mine.   
  
My mom sputtered to a stop and nodded, but not before giving me a few parting words letting me know  
just how much I'd screwed up. Oh man, was I in for it later.   
  
Sally led my mom out the door. My dad came to my bedside before leaving and dropped a kiss on my  
cheek.   
  
"I think it's cool, you being a bounty hunter." He whispered with a smile. "Just don't go and get  
yourself hurt anymore, okay, sweetheart?"   
  
I nodded.   
  
Then he left and it was Gretchen's turn. My younger sister had hearts in her eyes. "Who was that  
absolutely delicious man that came to talk to us? I think he said his name was Duo?" She was   
practically drooling.   
  
I felt a small flash of jealousy. Gretchen was twenty-one, a former cheerleader and homecoming queen.  
Gorgeous and flirtatious, she had men everywhere falling to her feet and I didn't want her   
within a mile of Duo.   
  
"Back off." I said through clenched teeth.   
  
Gretchen's eyes widened and she grinned. "No worries. I would never think of stealing a man  
from my big sister." She paused at my slight frown. "Anymore, anyway." She amended.   
  
"Well, what about those two? They're not bad looking. Either one available?" She jerked her thumb in   
the direction of Heero and Quatre, who were standing in the corner, talking in low voices.   
She had been whispering, but evidently, those two had pretty damn good hearing.   
They both looked up at us, alarmed.   
  
"No." I replied quietly, glad her back was to them so she couldn't see their matching deer in   
the headlights expressions.   
  
"Damn. Oh well. There's some pretty cute doctors around here. See you later, Hilds!" She patted my  
head and flitted off, no doubt to see if she could snare herself an MD. So much for being beside  
herself with worry.   
  
I rolled my eyes at her perky retreating backside. Now more than ever, all I wanted to do was  
sink back into oblivion. My family did that to me.   
  
Quatre cleared his throat. "Interesting family." He said with a wry smile.   
  
"You have no idea." I muttered crossly. "That wasn't even a tenth of my mother's true evil  
power."   
  
Heero made a sound that might have been a laugh, but when my eyes darted suspiciously over to  
him, he was poker-faced as usual.   
  
"Well, if you can't think of anything else, we'll leave you to rest." Quatre said, still looking  
terribly amused.   
  
I nodded and closed my eyes, hoping that I wouldn't have nightmares about my mom and my gross   
underwear.  
  
Before I slipped off into dreamland, I heard the sound of someone coming back into my room. I   
opened my eyes, hoping it wasn't a nurse with a needle or Heero with another question, or God forbid,  
my mother with another lecture, and saw Duo settling himself into the uncomfortable plastic chair.   
  
"You're back." I think I sounded as surprised as I felt.   
  
He nodded. "Your mom just about skinned me alive. She's scary." He said gravely.   
  
"I'm sorry. Hurricane Lena hit you unprepared. It must have been quite a traumatic  
experience." I held out my hand and he took it.   
  
"I think I'll live." He replied and kissed my hand.   
  
"Are you going to stay here all night?" I asked, giving the chair he was in a once-over.   
  
"Yup. I'm not letting you out of my sight, not as long as Treize is running around loose."   
He squeezed my hand, his expression dark for a moment.  
  
"Well, that chair doesn't look too comfortable." I had an interesting idea and skillfully set  
out to see if I could make it a reality.   
  
"It's not too bad." He replied with an arched brow, wondering where I was going with this.   
  
I took my hand from his and patted my bed. "There's not a hell of a lot of room, but as long as  
you don't hog the blankets, you can sleep here, with me."   
  
He grinned naughtily. "Really?" How can one man make a single word sound so…sexy?  
  
"But only sleep, pervert. I have a headache AND a knife wound." I shot back.  
  
He nodded solemnly. "All right, nothing kinky."   
  
He lowered the metal railing and crawled into bed with me, carefully adjusting our positions  
so that he wasn't in danger of pulling out my IV or bothering my stitches or his own. I ended up on my good side,  
facing his chest, my head resting on his arm. His other hand was on my hip, careful not to   
touch my wound. He smelled good, like soap and a little bit of gunpowder and sweat. It was nice.   
  
"Good night, Hilde." He said quietly, brushing a kiss across my forehead. "Sweet dreams."  
  
I kissed his Adam's apple, which was the closest thing I could kiss without disturbing our  
positions. "Night, Duo."   
  
If being kidnapped means I get to fall asleep in the arms of an incredibly gorgeous man, then,  
please, let me get kidnapped more often.   
  


* * *

A/N: *Waves* Um, hi! I hope you haven't forgotten about this story! I do hope to finish it up soon. I always hate it when  
an author doesn't finish a story, don't you? I'm not about to become a hypocrite, so, onward! I actually wrote this chapter  
almost six months ago, but I was never satisfied with it. Today I sat down and edited the hell out of it and I'm actually  
quite pleased. I hope you like it too. Less talk and more action in the upcoming chapters and I promise, Hilde will get   
a few shots in! No more Miss Nice Bounty Hunter.   
  
Thanks for all your reviews and I hope you're enjoying reading the story as much as I'm enjoying writing it!  
  
  



	11. Duo Maxwell Is An Excellent Teacher

**Bounty Hunter Diaries**  
by Gemini

**Chapter 11: Duo Maxwell is an excellent teacher.**

Rated PG-13 for Pirate-like cursing.

**Disclaimer: **As much as I would love to be able to lay claim to Duo Maxwell (heh heh) I can't, because the only thing I currently own is my Kenshin plushie, and even he's licensed! Long story short, Gundam Wing in owned by other people.

* * *

I've never been in love before. Once, when I was in college, I thought I was. The man in question was my boyfriend for almost three years, the former owner of the nearly threadbare white Oxford shirt I sometimes sleep in or clean in these days. He was good looking and smart and he seemed perfect to silly old me. He even asked me to marry him, the last Christmas we were together. He asked me on Christmas morning, we were sitting next to the tree, surrounded by discarded wrapping paper and my family. With that stupid and rather tiny diamond ring, I thought my life was perfect. Then I walked in on him and my little sister, Gretchen, on the old couch in the basement rec-room two days after Christmas, and they weren't talking, no matter what they tried to tell me. So much for that. I didn't talk to my sister for a year. As for him, I hocked the ring and stole his favorite shirt. Hah. Revenge is sweet. 

Now, there is a point to all this, I'm not just rehashing my rather painful past romantic experiences for your amusement. What I'm getting at here is that I've never really been in love, until I met Duo Maxwell, that is. If you had asked me, hell, a week ago, if it was possible to fall in love with a guy in a matter of a few days, I probably would have told you off for asking me stupid questions and maybe hit you up for a loan. But I am now a firm believer in dime-store romance novels, cheesy love ballads and every schlocky chick flick ever made. I have been converted.

Duo, as he had promised, stuck by my side the entire time I was in the hospital, only leaving for brief intervals in order to shower or get something to eat or run some errands, but he never left me alone. If he did have to go somewhere, he always made sure there was a police officer at my door to keep me out of trouble until he returned. For four days, the two of us spent a lot of time together. And by the time Nurse Attila, er, I mean Helen, brought me the release forms and a bag of clean clothes from my mom (She did all my laundry! Yeah!), I was absolutely, positively stupid with love. And a healthy dose of lust. Hell, I'd been sleeping with Duo Maxwell for four nights, but not in the Biblical sense, the fact of which had me lamenting that my legs weren't shaved, that we were both clothed, tired and injured. Because otherwise, well...I'll leave it to your imagination. I know mine has been going into overdrive lately.

After signing all the necessary papers and putting on my clothes, Duo took me home. Hurricane Lena had hit my apartment hard, leaving clean clothes, a fully stocked fridge and an immaculate bathroom in her wake. Mom had been itching to do this for years, but she had to wait until I was in the hospital and couldn't stop her. Not that I minded her doing my laundry or buying me comfort food (I checked the freezer-Swanson's chicken pot pies and rocky road ice cream, I love you, mom!), but it doesn't do much for my so-called independence to have my mom running my life.

But before I could even step foot into my apartment, Duo stopped me and told me to wait for him to check the place out. If there wasn't the very real threat to my life hanging over my head, the sight of him pulling out his gun and prowling around my apartment like some action hero in a bad late-night movie would have probably made me laugh. Unfortunately, the pull of stitches in my side as well as the long-dried blood stains still evident on my Welcome mat reminded me that this was no joke.

After poking around my closet and under my bed, he finally let me into my apartment. We were truly alone for the first time in days, there was no danger of nurses or God forbid, my mother, coming in and interrupting us, so the minute he had his gun holstered, I kicked my door shut and threw myself on him.

What passed were several minutes of very enthusiastic making-out. But just as I was gearing up to grab him by his ridiculously long braid and drag him into my bedroom, hairy legs be damned, he stopped.

"God, Hilde..." he muttered, resting his forehead against mine, his arms tightly wound around my waist.

I smiled, very pleased with his reaction, which I could feel as well as hear. "Why'd you stop?" I asked, peeking up at him through my lashes.

"Because I have to go and do something..." He paused and grinned wickedly. "And unfortunately, that something isn't you." His grin turned rueful as he pulled away from me. "I'm supposed to meet with someone in about a half-hour, an informant."

I frowned. "Do you have to?" I tried a suggestive pout, which, according to Sally worked wonders on a man, and was pleased to see that she hadn't led me astray. Duo looked like a tortured man.

"Don't look at me like that Hilde, seriously. I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise." He held up his hand in a very good imitation of a boy scout.

"Oh, all right." I wasn't exactly happy about his leaving, but at least I'd have time to shave and primp a little. A hospital isn't exactly a beauty spa, after all. I'd been having nothing but sponge baths for the past couple of days and frankly, a shower would be heaven. I went through a little mental check-list of things I needed for the evening ahead and suddenly remembered that I lacked something very important. And I also had a perfect opportunity to torture Duo one last time before he left.

"There's a police officer in an un-marked car in your parking lot, you can wave at him from your front window." He had the door opened and his hand on the door knob when I slithered up behind him, wrapped my arms around his neck and put my lips to his ear. He stiffened. I grinned.

"Duo, can you run a little errand for me before you get back?" I breathed into his ear.

He gulped and nodded slightly.

"Pick up a box of condoms, would you? A big box." I sent him out the door with a little pat to his very nice rear, my grin growing wider as I watched him walk rather stiff-legged down the hall. I'm new to this whole sex-temptress thing, but really, I don't think I'm doing too badly.

I spent an hour in the bathroom, shaving and exfoliating and plucking and generally making myself as presentable as possible. The stitches in my side bothered me a little as I went about my business, but it wasn't too bad. I wiped the fog from the mirror and grinned at my pink-cheeked reflection. "Hilde, girl, you are ready!" I gave myself the thumbs-up for good measure.

I'm way too practical to own any slutty lingerie. It also doesn't help that I haven't been with a man since, well, since my duplicitous ex-fiancé two years ago. Anyway, I was talking about underwear. I don't own anything lacy or satiny. I'm strictly a cotton girl. But who says cotton undies can't be sexy, dammit? I slipped on a pair of white bikinis and, after a brief debate over the pros and cons of wearing a bra, I decided to put one on. Why not? It would be fun taking it off later.

I heard my front door open and close just as I was arranging myself into what I sincerely hoped was a sexy pose on my bed.

"Hilde?" Duo's voice called out from the living room.

"In here!" I replied, practically rubbing my hands together with anticipation.

He appeared in my doorway and I took a moment to admire his wide-eyed stare. Yup, Hilde the sex goddess had landed!

"I...uh..." He cleared his throat and held up a paper bag. "They didn't have any of those jumbo bulk boxes, so I had to buy a lot of little boxes."

I raised an eyebrow. "How many?"

"Ten? Twelve? I don't remember." He tossed me the bag and hastily started to shed his clothes. Honestly, he is so cute, especially when hopping around on one foot, trying to get his shoe off. I guess he's been looking forward to this as much as I have.

While he worked on his rather stubborn footwear, I grabbed one of the boxes from the bag and snatched a few of the little packets, stashing them in various places on the bed so they could be within easy reach no matter what we were doing.

I felt the bed move as Duo sat down and a bolt of nervousness shot through me all of the sudden. It had been a very, very long time and really I think maybe after two years, you become a virgin again, not to mention the fact that I'd only been with one guy...what if I...

It's hard to be worried when a very attractive man starts kissing one of your legs. Frankly, it's hard to concentrate on much of anything except for said man and his activities.

"Hilde, babe, you are so beautiful." Duo murmured from his position near my knee.

I reached down and grabbed his braid, using it to pull him up to me. "Say that again." I whispered, looking him in the eye.

He smiled, a slow, sweet smile that turned my insides to mush. "You are so beautiful."

Oh hell, I was so in love with him, it hurt. I took his face between my hands and kissed him.

I felt his hands running over any part of me he could reach, my shoulders, my arms, my stomach. His touch stopped over the stitches in my side. He pulled away from me and frowned down at the black thread. I had a brief moment of fear then, maybe he thought they were ugly, maybe he would change his mind and leave...

He moved down and began laying gentle kisses on the stitches and I felt the fear leave me then. "Hilde...I promise, I'll protect you from now on." He whispered into my stomach.

I went from mush to putty. How does he always know the right things to say? Then again, I was supposed to be a bad-ass bounty hunter. In theory, I shouldn't need him to protect me. I was about to protest that I could take care of myself when he resumed his exploration of my legs, and I decided to just keep my mouth shut on that subject for the time being and concentrate on more important things, like...just what the hell he was doing with his tongue.

I was suddenly nervous again. He was doing many, many good things and I really wanted to reciprocate, but honestly, I didn't know what to do.

I tugged on his braid again and caught his attention. "Hey, Duo..."

"Hmmm?" He slid back up to eye level, one eyebrow cocked in question.

"It's been a while since I...um, since I...well, and I was only with this one guy and he wasn't...that is, I'm beginning to think that he wasn't all that great, could you..." God, I was turning bright red, but I really, really wanted to make him as mindless as he was making me.

"Could I what, babe?" He started dropping kisses along my collarbone, his tongue darting across my increasingly hot skin and I almost forgot what I was going to ask him.

"Could you maybe...show me what you like?" I bit my lip nervously as I awaited his response. He didn't answer right away; instead, he rested his forehead on my shoulder and took many, many deep breaths.

When he finally looked up at me, his gaze could have melted the polar ice caps. "I'd be glad to." He replied quietly.

Say what you will about Duo Maxwell, but he is an excellent teacher.

A/N: Hello! Long time no see! Think of this chapter as a reward, my loyal readers. There's not much plot, really. It's not a full on lemon, but you get the idea. I've finished up the RK story that was eating my life, so now I'll have more time to spend on this story. Whee! Thanks for reading!


	12. Plan B

Bounty Hunter Diaries: Chapter 12: Plan B

A/N: Helloo my lovely and loyal readers. Here is Chapter 12 in all its un-beta'd glory. It's short, but I thought I should get it out there before I marked the 1 year of no-updating anniversary in August. Sorry I suck. Anyway, enjoy. The plot bunnies have taken over!

Rated for cursing, sexual overtones and Dorothy's eyebrows.

Chapter 12: Plan B

* * *

There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that improves one's general outlook on life like a night of hot, sweaty sex with a drop-dead gorgeous man. Believe me. I know. There is also nothing as exhausting as a night of hot, sweaty sex, so, the morning after, I was in no mood to do much of anything, not even roll out of the new Hilde-shaped crater in my mattress. All I wanted to do was lay there and bask in the afterglow and occasionally look over at the man sleeping next to me to make sure he was really there and not a figment of my imagination. I was checking to confirm his reality a fifth time and contemplating different ways to wake him up when someone started pounding on my front door. Dammit. Nothing good ever happens when someone starts pounding on my front door. 

Duo dragged open one sleepy amethyst eye and frowned at me. "Don't you have a doorbell?" he asked grumpily.

I sighed, sat up and began fishing around for some clothes. "Yeah, but no one ever seems to use it."

He rolled onto his back and ran his hands over his face, the movement slipping the bed sheet down and giving me a nice view of his well-defined chest. I don't know how long I ogled him before he cocked an eyebrow in annoyance and gestured towards the door. "I'm flattered you want to molest me some more, Hilde-babe, but whoever is at your front door is starting to get angry." Indeed, the pounding was getting louder and I could hear someone cursing.

"Dammit." Giving him one long last look, I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed, grabbed a discarded shirt that turned out to be his and made myself somewhat presentable before marching to the front door, hollering at the top of my lungs that I could hear them knocking just fine.

I wrenched the door open, fully prepared to give whoever was disturbing me an earful, but stopped in my tracks when I saw Heero, Quatre and about four or five uniformed officers standing on my doorstep, looking grim. "We weren't that loud last night, were we? Did old Mrs. Ledbetter call in a noise complaint?" I asked cheekily, hoping to make one of them crack a smile. If one of them smiled, things weren't as dire as they appeared.

No one smiled. Shit.

"Hilde, is Duo here?" Quatre asked gently before Heero could open his mouth and say something offensive.

"Why?" I asked uncomfortably.

"Yes, why? I'm curious." Duo appeared at my side, wearing only his jeans since I was wearing his shirt, a small silver cross swinging on his neck.

Before Quatre could formulate an answer, Heero flipped what looked like a photograph at Duo, who caught it easily. The man in the photograph was unrecognizable to me, mostly because what was left of his face had been reduced to what looked like raw hamburger. I felt my stomach turn over at the grotesque sight.

Even though I didn't recognize the body, Duo clearly did because he let forth with a long stream of curse words, some of them new to me.

"We have a witness who says he saw you leave this building last night." Quatre said, almost apologetically.

"But he was here last night…" I began and then remembered the meeting he had left for soon after dropping me off.

"But not all night, Hilde. We know that." Quatre murmured.

I looked at Duo's dark face, fear making my nausea worse. "Duo?"

"He was alive when I left, babe." Duo said evenly as he handed Heero the photo. "But I assume that makes no difference, right?"

"I'm sorry, Duo, but given the events of the past couple of weeks, the captain wants us to bring you in." Quatre gestured to the uniformed officers standing behind him. "We really don't have a choice."

"I bet Zechs is just about beside himself with glee." Duo muttered.

For once, Heero cracked a smile, a grim one, but a smile nonetheless. "He's doing cartwheels."

Under normal circumstances, I might have laughed, or at least been shocked at Heero making a joke, but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly.

Duo sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. "All right. Let me get dressed and I'll go with you." He glanced over at me and a small smile graced his severe expression. "I'll need my shirt back, babe."

I turned bright red and started to stutter something, but Heero interrupted me.

"Don't do anything stupid, Maxwell. We have people watching the building." He said darkly, all humor gone.

"Don't worry, Yuy. I'm a little too old to be jumping out of windows."

Duo grabbed my hand and dragged me back into my bedroom, leaving the door open a few inches so as not to alarm the police. "Treize is getting desperate, Hilde." He muttered as I shrugged out of his shirt and handed it to him. "And the more desperate he gets, the sloppier he'll be. They'll get him if he's careless enough."

I located a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and slipped them on quickly. "And what if they don't?" I asked, a quiver of fear running through my words.

Duo looked grim as he buttoned up his shirt. "I don't have a Plan B." He admitted. "Usually I do, but Trieze caught me off guard." He sat on the bed and fished around until he found his socks and boots. I watched him as he pulled them on, wringing my hands because that was all I could do at the moment. He laced up his boots and sat for a long moment, his mind clearly percolating.

Finally, he stood up and looked at me, his severe expression softening somewhat. "Don't worry too much, babe, you'll get wrinkles."

I smacked him, but it was half-hearted. He caught my hand and used it to pull me into him. "I think you'll have to be my Plan B, Hilde. I don't want to put you in danger, but with Trieze out there, you are anyway." He kissed me then but pulled away before we got too carried away. "I'll call some people and have them get into contact with you." He smoothed my hair and smiled down at me. "You might just get me out of this."

I wondered if I should be offended or not, but before I could accuse him of being a jerk, he reached around the back of his neck and unclasped his silver chain. "Keep this for me, will you, babe?" He fastened the cross around my neck, his hands dropping to toy with the small charm.

"We don't have all day, Maxwell." Heero called from the living room.

"I'm coming." Duo called back, making a face in Heero's general direction. He gave me another kiss. "Keep safe. I'm counting on you." He said softly, and then he was gone.

It just figures that the moment I would find a perfect man, he'd get framed for murder and arrested. Dammit.

Given the way my day had begun, I wasn't expecting it to get any better, and I was right.

Duo had said he would get into contact with some people, so I figured I should wait at home for them to find me. I was beginning to go out of my mind around hour five when someone rang my doorbell. That was a change. Usually people just ignored the doorbell and went straight to pounding on my damn door.

I had my gun handy when I opened the door, the brass safety chain rattling a little.

"Hilde, right?" A woman asked. I was looking straight up at the strangest pair of eyebrows I had ever seen outside Trieze Khushrenanda. Beneath them, a pair of dark blue eyes studied me. "Duo called me and told me to come find you."

Other than her eyebrows, the woman looked harmless enough. I nodded and shut the door so I could undo the chain and let her in.

I opened the door for her and she waltzed into my apartment, leaving a trail of Chanel No. 5 perfume in her wake. I had to take a few seconds to get my voice back after I got a good look at her. She was tall, mostly thanks to the thigh-high pair of black vinyl platform boots she was wearing, which matched her barely there shiny black skirt. She wore a red and black lace bustier, had dragon-lady talon-like red nails and long blonde hair that went down past her waist. What the hell? Duo had sent me a stripper.

She smiled at me, her lips as red as her nails. "My name is Dorothy Catalonia." She offered a hand and I took it, still unable to form words.

Finally, I managed to croak out, "Aren't you a dominatrix?" Visions of her whipping the living daylights out of Wufei went dancing across my mind and I shuddered.

Her lethal smile broadened. "One of the best. But I help Duo out from time to time, sort of a hobby." She waved a long-clawed hand around in the air.

Okay, so Duo had sent me a stripper/dominatrix/amateur bounty hunter. "Where do you keep your gun?" I squeaked.

"You don't want to know." A gruff voice chuckled from the still-open doorway.

I turned around and was face to face with what looked like a grizzled, bearded homeless man in a Hawaiian shirt. The man pushed up his sunglasses and grinned at me. "You must be Hilde. I'm Howard."

Because of my completely lost and bewildered expression, Homeless Man Howard hastened to explain further. "I've been told you need some help."

In order to catch a ruthless master criminal and save him from a lifetime in prison, Duo had sent me a crack team consisting of a dominatrix and a homeless man. Looks like Plan B was doomed and it hadn't even gotten off the ground.


	13. Duo Maxwell Is In Trouble

Bounty Hunter Diaries  
A Gundam Wing AU  
by Gemini1 

Lucky Chapter 13: Duo Maxwell is in trouble  
Note: This chapter is from Duo's point of view.

* * *

It's strange to be sitting on the other side of the interrogation table. Even though it's been years since I was a cop, I still remember what it felt like to be interrogating a suspect; the psychology I used, the threats, it's all fresh in my mind, providing me with an interesting perspective as a newly minted detective tries, and fails, to get some sort of confession out of me. Honestly, what are they teaching the kids at the academy these days? He is the most unconvincing actor I have ever seen. And I've seen Heero Yuy pretend to be nice. 

Heero and Quatre aren't in the room right now, much to my surprise. I thought Heero, at least, would be chomping at the bit to work out some of his frustration from this case on me. I wonder if they're behind the mirror, watching me roll my eyes and lead the rookie on a merry chase.

Finally, the kid leaves the room and I'm on my own. I know this routine as well. I'm supposed to sit here and stew on my supposed guilt. Theoretically, if they leave me here long enough, I should crack like an egg and start confessing to every sin I've ever committed. It would probably take a while; I've sinned a lot. But, since I'm guilty of nothing more than the usual slightly illegal and definitely immoral activities, all it does is leave me to contemplate the woman in whose hands I've now placed my life.

Hilde. She's an interesting woman. She looks like a strong wind could knock her over, but she's survived more in the past couple of weeks than the average person deals with in a lifetime and though she's got some new scars and bruises, she still came out of it no worse for wear. She's an interesting combination of vulnerability and strength. She makes me want to protect her like some dashing hero in a romance novel, but I suspect the minute I even try something like that, she'd kick my ass. An image of her from last night pops into my head, unexpected but not unwelcome and I'm suddenly glad that I'm sitting down behind the table. She surprised me last night. She started out timid and uncertain, but not even halfway through our sex marathon, she had me on my back and was barking out directions like a drill sergeant. I was completely under her thumb, so to speak.

I wonder if I'm falling in love.

It's an interesting thought. I've never been in love before. I've been in lust, a lot. But even though I definitely lust after Hilde, I want more from her. I want her to like me. I want her to laugh at my jokes and worry about me. I want to make her happy. I want her to be safe. I've never been scornful or afraid of love like some people I know (cough Heero Yuy cough), but I do feel slightly foolish for grinning like an idiot every time I think about her. I'm supposed to be a badass, but somehow, around her, I turn into a damn lovesick teenager.

I wonder how she'll react to the rescue team I sent her. Howard and Dorothy aren't exactly normal people. Hell, Dorothy makes a living grinding people under her pointy boots and Howard is a convicted felon. But I trust them to keep an eye on Hilde, and they've got the pulse of the criminal world. If anyone can find information on Trieze, it'll be Howard and Dorothy. They've been working on it for a while now, Trieze is very good at covering his tracks. I could have just left them to their own devices, but someone will have to interpret all the info they gather, since it's not exactly obvious what things mean. Nothing is as easy as it is on T.V., and often the clues that lead to the bad guys are buried deep under layers of crap. I hope Hilde can figure it all out, since I'm apparently out of the game for the time being.

I used my only phone call to get a hold of Dorothy, so I'm without a lawyer at the moment. I should have asked Dorothy to call my lawyer for me, but I was so focused on keeping Hilde safe and getting my ass out of this sling, that I didn't think to ask. I suppose Quatre would let me call my lawyer if I asked nicely.

God, what a mess. When I find Trieze Khushrenada, I am going to kick his ass several times over for what he did to me and Relena. And then I'm going to kill him slowly for what he did to Hilde. I don't trust the law around here. Trieze is slick and his lawyer is slicker. He'll get off again.

I am brooding on this when the door opens and my lawyer steps in. "Good to see you, Duo. I was just thinking about buying my wife a new car." He jokes with me as he drops his briefcase on the table and settles himself in. The young cop follows and he looks surly. Now that my lawyer's here, he'll have to behave.

"Who called you?" I ask, thinking Dorothy must have done me yet another favor I'd have to repay. She's offered in the past to let me pay off my debt by prostrating myself at her shiny vinyl feet, but I've so far managed to convince her that cash is king.

"Hilde somebody. She said you were in trouble again." He opens the briefcase and flips through a yellow legal pad. "She filled me in on what happened." He grinned at me and looked over the gold rims of his glasses, studying my expression. "She sounded cute. Latest conquest?"

"She's more important to me than that." I reply without thinking.

"Hmmm." My lawyer studies me for a long moment before going back to his notepad. "Well, Duo, you're in trouble, that's for sure."

"I sure am." I agree. I am definitely in trouble.

* * *

A/N: Hello loyal readers! Thank you so much for sticking by me while I puzzle this whole thing out. I've gone back and made some changes to the existing story and I'm working on the next chapter. Action! Adventure! Whipping! Let's see where this goes...  



	14. Preview: Hilde Schbeiker Hates Vinyl

Bounty Hunter Diaries  
A Gundam Wing AU  
by Gemini1

Chapter 14 Preview: Hilde Schbeiker Hates Vinyl

A/N: Hello all you beautiful loyal fans! This is just a little preview of what's coming up! I'm not done with chapter 14 yet, but I wanted to give all you wonderful patient people a little taste of what's to come, just to get you through the night! The finished version will be here soon!

* * *

"This is absolutely not going to work. I refuse!"

That's me, protesting BDSM poster-girl and part-time investigator Dorothy Catalonia's 'genius' plan to gather information to find Trieze Khushrenada.

"I think the vinyl one would be perfect. Definitely the vinyl."

And that's Dorothy Catalonia, ignoring me.

"I like the vinyl one, too. Leaves less to the imagination. I don't like having to use my imagination if I don't have to."

And that's Howard, being perverted and about to get his ass kicked.

Perhaps I should back-track and explain a few things. See, when Duo sent me the 'dream team' of Dorothy and Howard, no doubt he thought they would help me gather information that would lead to Trieze's arrest and his freedom. But I do doubt that he thought Dorothy would decide that the only way we could get any information was to question Trieze's girlfriend and right-hand lady, Une, and that the only way we could do that was to sneak into the hospital in the guise of sexy nurses delivering a Strip-O-Gram. At least, I hope he didn't have that in mind, because if he did, then I will kill him.

Anyway, back to the current problem: Dorothy's assertion that I will have to dress up like a sexy nurse. There is no way in hell I'm doing that.

"Nonsense." Dorothy said airily, as she flitted through her boudoir, gathering bits and pieces of our sexy nurse costumes.

She had dragged me, kicking and screaming to her swanky townhouse in order to 'prepare' us for our reconnaissance mission. And by 'prepare', I mean slutting us both up.

"Now, Hilde, I don't have a bra small enough for you, so you'll just have to wear one of mine. I'm sure I can find something to stuff it with. I must have something jiggly in here somewhere." Dorothy tossed a rather large red lace push-up bra in my direction and I caught it by reflex.

Oh yes. Duo was going to die.


End file.
